This photo captures how my transition journey feels at times. There is a road forward that many middle-aged transwomen like me have taken, but it is shrouded in misty uncertainty. I don't know how long I need to travel on the road, nor do I know whether there will be obstacles or unexpected forks in the road. It feels like a long, lonely journey, but I know that the only way is forward. Left foot, right foot. Keep moving forward.
I've been on HRT for 1.5 years now and if you've been following my other posts, mental health has been a struggle since February this year (10 month mark onwards). A lot of it stems from anxieties of the future, fear of acceptance by people closest to me and worries that I will not be able to hit the goals that I set for myself despite my best efforts. Seeing a rather guy looking person in the mirror and bodily changes such as hair removal and fat distribution happen at a glacial pace doesn't help either.
I'm in a midway transition phase right now, which is the hardest part of transition. A recent video from Dr Zhikhareva highlighted why the midway transition phase is so damn hard, even more so that the initial decision to begin transitioning. It was a video that resonated with me, but also served as a reminder that better days are to come. I just need to be patient about it and kinder to myself.
Usually when we see photos of transgender individuals online, they're usually happily transitioned and living as their authentic self. A pre-transition photo is also usually shown as comparison to contrast how far they have come. The journey of these transwomen and transmen are something to be celebrated for sure, because it was definitely not an easy one. However, you will be hard pressed to find photos of the midway transition phase. Understandably so, because who wants to show the part of their journey where they feel ugly, incomplete and vulnerable?
It is this middle phase where there is significant uncertainty in what is to come in the days ahead. It is a period where misgendering often happens, because appearance wise we are somewhat in between the binaries. Family, friends and colleagues are also just coming to terms with news that you are transgender. Internally, there is also significant impatience in reaching the end goal of "passing" and living as our intended gender. The difficulties of the midway transition phase can be exacerbated by the lack of financial / social / emotional support. Imagine feeling like you need facial surgery in order to reduce certain masculine features and misgendering, but do not have the financial resources to do everything.
Transitioning is usually likened to the important chrysalis phase, where the fuzzy caterpillar transforms into a beautiful butterfly. Time is needed for the body to change, for the wings to form and harden. It cannot be rushed, otherwise the metamorphosis is incomplete and what emerges is a butterfly that is unable to take flight. Many a cautionary tale has been shared where some transwomen rush through the physical aspects of transition (facial feminization, SRS, body sculpting, breast augmentation), but are still deeply unhappy because the integration and self-acceptance has not been done. However, the chrysalis is a vulnerable phase that sometimes feel like it is in the way of getting to the end state of becoming a butterfly. Also, nobody wants to be a freaking Metapod.
(Like seriously, how do I win battles in life if Harden is the only move I know)
Just to end off the post, I have been making multiple efforts to better my mental health. While I still complain to my friends regularly and go into my moody periods, I try to keep afloat and positive. I've been seeing a psychologist to help unpack some of the feelings that I've shoved aside for decades. I'm also learning to be kinder and less self-critical; a trait common in many Singaporeans. Recognising that I am doing my best during this tough period is already a step in the right direction. I'm also trying to change the way I think to help integrate into my current self the hidden parts of Isabelle (e.g. her vivaciousness, friendliness, curiousness), so that when I eventually emerge from this vulnerable phase, I'll be a lot more comfortable with my identity.
