Venturing out as Isabelle after a long hiatus
The last time I went out in public properly as Isabelle was in April 2023 for Cosfest at Gardens by the Bay. A month later my egg cracked and I started HRT. Since then I've not been in the proper headspace to go out in public as Isabelle. While I did dress up as Isabelle in a private indoor space, I felt incredibly dysphoric about my appearance when I dressed. Gone was the confident Isabelle, replaced with a terribly brainwormed baby-trans. I hated all photos I took of myself, nitpicking every masculine facial feature. I felt like a fraud; a man in a dress, unpassable even with makeup, let alone with a bareface. I stopped dressing up, partly because I was living with parents and didn't have a safe space to transform into Isabelle, mostly because it was just too painful to see that my best efforts fall short of the passing mark.
I could not see myself as a woman. Fighting inner demons on a near daily basis, I was constantly worried about whether my hair would grow out properly, impatient about the effects of HRT and facial hair removal, constantly anxious that even after waiting for a few years, I would still be unable pass. Never mind the fact that when I went out as Isabelle during my crossdressing days, I was able to try on clothes in women's changing rooms and navigate through a mall without too many quizzical stares. My brain felt a bit broken.
But as my hair grew out slowly, I could occasionally see glimpses of the woman I would become. Though I was still sporting a mullet because my fringe wasn't long enough, I felt that maybe, just maybe, Isabelle was ready to make a reappearance, this time without needing to wear a wig. Coming out to my hairdresser and having her reassure me that my hair could work despite my fringe was the validation I needed. Since renovation of my new home was also recently completed, I decided it was time to stop hiding in my shell, driving myself insane by constantly worrying I wasn't going my own expectations. If I was going to present female 24/7, I needed to get used to weird stares and uncomfortable comments from others. I decided to dress up as Isabelle for my voice therapy session and shopping at Somerset.
On the day I was supposed to go out, there was an unexpected hiccup that nearly derailed my plans, because my kid suddenly complained of pains in both her calves to the point where she didn't want to walk. It was quite worrying so I brought her to see the doctor, who did a check and reassured that it wasn't anything to be too worried about. I enjoyed a McDonald's breakfast with the kiddo before dropping her off with my Mum for the day. It was time to let Isabelle out.
I hadn't put on makeup in almost a year, but it was muscle memory at this stage and came back to me rather easily. An hour later, the familiar, dolled-up version of myself reflected back in the mirror. The flaws were still there, but all in all, I didn't look too shabby. I felt brave enough to go out as Isabelle once again. For the day I had picked out a ribbon-tie sleeveless green maxi dress with a floral design. It was dressy enough for a shopping outing but not too formal for wearing in Singapore.
It was the first time I dressed as Isabelle without a wig and holy hell was it such freedom! I wasn't sweating buckets in Singapore's humidity, there was no wig cap constricting my head like Sun Wu Kong's golden headband and I didn't need to worry about flyaway fringes. It was a good start even before I stepped out of the house.
The first stop was my voice therapy appointment at Alexandra Hospital. I look forward to these sessions because the voice therapist I work with is incredibly encouraging. It is also a safe space for me to practice my female voice (which is still terrible and needs a lot more practice in my opinion). As I peeked through the door of the clinic, the voice therapist stared at me quizically for 5 seconds before bursting out laughing: "Omg Isabelle I couldn't recognise you, I thought it was someone who got lost!". We started chatting, updating each other on the things that transpired over the past 5 months and did a few voice/video recordings. I'm not sure why, but she was convinced that while my pitch wasn't high, my voice worked really well with my feminine appearance and wanted to graduate me from her voice therapy sessions (Nooooooooo!). Fortunately I convinced her to give me one more voice therapy session in June.
I went on to meet friends in Somerset for sushi dinner and shopping. Being dressed as Isabelle made me put in the effort to use my female voice more, which I was able to do so for most of the night 😁 We went to the usual hits; Love Bonito, Mango, Zara, Playdress and Pomelo before grabbing bubble tea to round off the night.
Unlike the early days of my crossdressing journey that were primary filled with excitement and euphoria, there was instead a huge sense of freedom and calm this time. I didn't worry about my wig looking out of place (and therefore fake). I somehow didn't get stares despite the Friday night dinner crowds. I felt like I blended in well; just a regular gal out shopping with her friends.
I could use such feeling of calm and happiness more regularly.
1 Comments
I haven't checked your blog in a while - I have only very recently thought of adding the blog update for it to notify in my email notification lol - and so only recently noticed the change in the name of the blog! [I did read your post when you were discovering about your identity, and the blog was still going by its old name at that time]
ReplyDeleteYou're going through a lot since transitioning, and reading it as a distant observer was pretty painful - so I can't even imagine the amount of pain you're going through. I can't remember if there was any particular person who said it - nor do I remember the exact saying - but people transition because they want to be happier. I can't speak from experience since I'm not transitioning - I have come to term with my trans identity, but decided transition is not the best decision for me at the time being - but there's plenty of stories of people who're more fulfilled and happier being their authentic selves over time. I believe we need to trust the process, and celebrate the victories and small moments of joy when we can.
I also believe having supports helps a lot in our journey! So yeah, all that blabbing is just dropping by to say hi as a trans person from the neighbour up north in MY - I hope you would continue to find more moments of happiness in your journey.
-Erika / Eri