Musings of a Singaporean Transgender

It's amazing that I've already been on HRT for 2 years now. The egg crack, first coming out to my wife, feeling the initial bodily changes due to HRT, feels like a fevered dream. And what a rollercoaster ride it has been the past years. I don't think my life has ever been this tumultuous. 

Bodily changes wise, it feels like everything has stalled after the first year. While my hips and bum do feel fuller, I've had fat redistributed to my lower waist that seems to cancel each other out with regards to getting more feminine proportions. Boobs have been the same size since the 1 year mark (friends and I jokingly call them our xlb 小笼包 boobs), while other more visible changes aren't HRT related; specifically the reduced facial hair due to electrolysis and longer hair on the top of my head, which is taking painstakingly long.

Emotionally, there has been so many ups and downs, it's amazing how I even functioned the past 2 years. It's been no secret that my mental state has been terrible since the 9 month mark of transition, battling fears of falling short of my transition goals, envying feminine transwomen in the community that seemed to cross the threshold so effortlessly, worrying about rejection and hating my reflection that I see in the mirror on a near daily basis. The midway transition phase is known to be the most challenging, when you're neither here nor there, but all that can be done is be patient and wait.

My relationship with the wife has also seen many ups and downs. While she is supportive, my increasingly feminine appearance brought out all manner of fears in her and triggered feelings of grief; the loss of the man she married, being replaced by a familiar person, but yet total stranger named Isabelle. Transition isn't easy for the one transitioning, but it isn't a cake walk for partners either.

Nevertheless, there were many things to be thankful for in the past two years. I made new close friends that I feel could potentially be lifelong friendships. I came out to my sister, a close friend and most recently, my parents (a separate blog post needed for that). I started to see the woman in the mirror as my hair grew out, making me hopeful for the future. A few funny moments when guys second guessed their entry into the toilet was validation that I looked female, even though I was wearing uncle berms. And most importantly, having a partner willing to work through the challenging issues together.

The 3rd year is going to be more exciting as I come out to more people. It is scary, but I look forward to it.

So far I reference Isabelle almost entirely in the third person. "Isabelle", "She", "Her". I've also become so adept at compartmentalising that Isabelle's become somewhat of a narrowly defined character. A well dressed, glammed up woman that makes an occasional appearance to paint the town red. 

But I've been finding this very unhelpful in my journey to integrate Isabelle into daily life. And most importantly, Isabelle isn't a separate persona, nor is she just one part of me. I am Isabelle. In entirety, comprising of all facets of myself. The glamorous, dolled-up version, the bare-faced sloppy version, the bespectacled work version, etc. Even moments when I feel masculine or need to play stereotypically masculine roles (e.g. as a dad), these are all parts of Isabelle. I've come to realise that transitioning isn't about becoming Isabelle. It is about accepting that I am Isabelle.

Of course, the reality is that physical changes are important in helping me to see myself as a woman. So a year ago when the reflection in the mirror was very much a short-haired guy, it wasn't possible for me to see myself as a woman. And I've been so used to doing this huge switch from frumpy guy to dolled-up woman, that it has been a challenge to see myself as Isabelle without makeup. But as I reach my 2 year hrt anniversary and my hair is a lot longer, the internal barrier to seeing my daily self as a woman has been lowered. There is a need to shift how I view myself.

There's also internalised shame associated with being transgender that is a barrier to integrating Isabelle into my daily life. It still feels weird to tell others the words "I am Isabelle". Heck, I only told my wife recently (Mar 2025) that the name I chose for myself. That's a really long time, considering that I came out to my wife in 2018 and that I have gender dysphoria. So far, it has been much easier to refer to the female self in the 3rd person. But that might have also led to the wife viewing Isabelle as this person that looks somewhat like me but is a stranger, with demands that she be let out, demands that she be seen and acknowledged. Which is very unhelpful in getting my wife to be comfortable with me as Isabelle. But as a friend rightly pointed out to me: "Isabelle...even you're not comfortable with Isabelle". Being secure in my own identity is the first step in integration.

It isn't easy, especially having lived so many years as a guy and building an entire identity as one. But I try to celebrate the small wins on this transition journey and acknowledge that I am a constant work in progress. Slowly but surely, I will come to see that I am a woman. I am a transwoman. I am Isabelle.

The last time I went out in public properly as Isabelle was in April 2023 for Cosfest at Gardens by the Bay. A month later my egg cracked and I started HRT. Since then I've not been in the proper headspace to go out in public as Isabelle. While I did dress up as Isabelle in a private indoor space, I felt incredibly dysphoric about my appearance when I dressed. Gone was the confident Isabelle, replaced with a terribly brainwormed baby-trans. I hated all photos I took of myself, nitpicking every masculine facial feature. I felt like a fraud; a man in a dress, unpassable even with makeup, let alone with a bareface. I stopped dressing up, partly because I was living with parents and didn't have a safe space to transform into Isabelle, mostly because it was just too painful to see that my best efforts fall short of the passing mark.

I could not see myself as a woman. Fighting inner demons on a near daily basis, I was constantly worried about whether my hair would grow out properly, impatient about the effects of HRT and facial hair removal, constantly anxious that even after waiting for a few years, I would still be unable pass. Never mind the fact that when I went out as Isabelle during my crossdressing days, I was able to try on clothes in women's changing rooms and navigate through a mall without too many quizzical stares. My brain felt a bit broken.

But as my hair grew out slowly, I could occasionally see glimpses of the woman I would become. Though I was still sporting a mullet because my fringe wasn't long enough, I felt that maybe, just maybe, Isabelle was ready to make a reappearance, this time without needing to wear a wig. Coming out to my hairdresser and having her reassure me that my hair could work despite my fringe was the validation I needed. Since renovation of my new home was also recently completed, I decided it was time to stop hiding in my shell, driving myself insane by constantly worrying I wasn't going my own expectations. If I was going to present female 24/7, I needed to get used to weird stares and uncomfortable comments from others. I decided to dress up as Isabelle for my voice therapy session and shopping at Somerset.

On the day I was supposed to go out, there was an unexpected hiccup that nearly derailed my plans, because my kid suddenly complained of pains in both her calves to the point where she didn't want to walk. It was quite worrying so I brought her to see the doctor, who did a check and reassured that it wasn't anything to be too worried about. I enjoyed a McDonald's breakfast with the kiddo before dropping her off with my Mum for the day. It was time to let Isabelle out.

I hadn't put on makeup in almost a year, but it was muscle memory at this stage and came back to me rather easily. An hour later, the familiar, dolled-up version of myself reflected back in the mirror. The flaws were still there, but all in all, I didn't look too shabby. I felt brave enough to go out as Isabelle once again. For the day I had picked out a ribbon-tie sleeveless green maxi dress with a floral design. It was dressy enough for a shopping outing but not too formal for wearing in Singapore. 

I went on to meet friends in Somerset for sushi dinner and shopping. Being dressed as Isabelle made me put in the effort to use my female voice more, which I was able to do so for most of the night 😁 We went to the usual hits; Love Bonito, Mango, Zara, Playdress and Pomelo before grabbing bubble tea to round off the night.

Unlike the early days of my crossdressing journey that were primary filled with excitement and euphoria, there was instead a huge sense of freedom and calm this time. I didn't worry about my wig looking out of place (and therefore fake). I somehow didn't get stares despite the Friday night dinner crowds. I felt like I blended in well; just a regular gal out shopping with her friends. 

I could use such feeling of calm and happiness more regularly.

Festive seasons can be stressful events; other than the logistics and multiple visitations, there's also the need to interact with friends and relatives not seen in a while. Beyond initial pleasantries, there are questions of how one is doing with life, job, love and comments about appearances. For some this can be energising, but for me, all I want to do is to hide in a corner and potato. Nevertheless, one's got to do the expected and power through the festive period. 

This year was relatively tame for me, since I still present as my male self during the recent Christmas and Chinese New Year holidays. The biggest difference to those who have not seen me in a while would be braces and my near shoulder-length hair. After the initial big reactions of "Omg your hair!" or "WAAA!!" the follow-up question was why I wanted to grow out my hair. So far I've swatted away the question by saying "I'm trying a new look" or "I'm growing it out so I can do a man-bun, but right now it still isn't long enough". 

I'm quite self-conscious about my long hair so I usually tie it up into a semi-bun during gatherings, since letting it down might be a bit too feminine. However, the wife did tell me not to be so self-conscious about my long hair, since there are more guys keeping their hair longer these days.

Festive events in the next few years will be interesting, since my hair will be a lot longer and I will be presenting more androgynously. Or I might have gone for a surgery or two that skews my look into even more feminine territory.

2024 has been a tumultuous year, but despite the ups and downs, I think it has been a net positive overall.

Work has been largely frustrating for the first half of the year, leading me to seek out a more stressful but perhaps more rewarding role. So far it seems promising, so fingers crossed there.

Relationship with my Wife came so very close to the precipice. Fortunately the foundation we built over the years helped to hold it all together. It took a while and many, many tears, but we managed to become more honest with each other and ourselves. While still a work in progress, we are now able to communicate at a level that we have never been able to do before. Home is stable and I am extremely thankful for that.

My mental state has been generally terrible this year, as described in earlier posts. Dissociating happens a lot in order for me to continue functioning. But through the emotional roller coaster ride, the pensive thoughts, I've become a bit more in touch with my emotions. I'm learning how to reach through the layers of bubble wrap to connect with feelings other than rage, impatience and envy. I've broadened my emotional vocabulary that allows me to better describe why I feel a certain way. I'm still working on being less self-critical and learning to love myself despite my flaws.

I still don't see Isabelle in the mirror and get "sir-ed" consistently by random people I meet (which sucks). Granted, my polo-tee and berms look definitely screams "Singaporean Uncle", but it would be nice to see the occasional confused look in people's eyes. Currently I still feel like an imposter and not confident enough to present female without makeup.

My new home is finally taking shape. Renovation delays despite my best efforts meant that I cannot move in by the end of the year, but I'm almost near the finish line. Which means a larger safe space for me to express myself a bit more.

2024 was a hectic year. 2025 is already promising to start off blazing with action. But I am holding to hope. With some time and luck, Isabelle might regain confidence to finally show herself more regularly.

This photo captures how my transition journey feels at times. There is a road forward that many middle-aged transwomen like me have taken, but it is shrouded in misty uncertainty. I don't know how long I need to travel on the road, nor do I know whether there will be obstacles or unexpected forks in the road. It feels like a long, lonely journey, but I know that the only way is forward. Left foot, right foot. Keep moving forward. 

I've been on HRT for 1.5 years now and if you've been following my other posts, mental health has been a struggle since February this year (10 month mark onwards). A lot of it stems from anxieties of the future, fear of acceptance by people closest to me and worries that I will not be able to hit the goals that I set for myself despite my best efforts. Seeing a rather guy looking person in the mirror and bodily changes such as hair removal and fat distribution happen at a glacial pace doesn't help either.

I'm in a midway transition phase right now, which is the hardest part of transition. A recent video from Dr Zhikhareva highlighted why the midway transition phase is so damn hard, even more so that the initial decision to begin transitioning. It was a video that resonated with me, but also served as a reminder that better days are to come. I just need to be patient about it and kinder to myself. 

Just to end off the post, I have been making multiple efforts to better my mental health. While I still complain to my friends regularly and go into my moody periods, I try to keep afloat and positive. I've been seeing a psychologist to help unpack some of the feelings that I've shoved aside for decades. I'm also learning to be kinder and less self-critical; a trait common in many Singaporeans. Recognising that I am doing my best during this tough period is already a step in the right direction. I'm also trying to change the way I think to help integrate into my current self the hidden parts of Isabelle (e.g. her vivaciousness, friendliness, curiousness), so that when I eventually emerge from this vulnerable phase, I'll be a lot more comfortable with my identity. 

One thing I struggled with before starting HRT was whether I was truly Transgender. Even after popping those tiny blue pills twice a day for more than a year, I still wonder if I am "Trans" enough. The self-doubt is significant, and justifiably so. Transitioning is by no means a simple undertaking, with large financial, social and possibly health costs. It is literally shooting a bazooka to your old life and what is recognised as "normal". The constant and recurring critique is the brain's way of protecting oneself from the whims of the heart.

But it isn't just about the "worth it or not?", "cost-benefit-analysis" line of thinking that I tend to go into when making big decisions. The constant thoughts of whether I was "Trans" enough also stems from having lived as a guy for 3 decades with some degree of success. While I am by no means an Alpha-male, I did successfully navigate male adolescence and adulthood without too much trouble. And I feel quite comfortable existing as a regular Singaporean working adult male, Husband and Dad. So how could I possibly be transgender? Some questions that I had considered and still do include:

Apparently, such self-doubt is common among people who transition after their 30s, as they have lived through a good part of life as a guy. Even by stretching my imagination to its limits, I still struggle to think of how I was going to unlearn all the male socialisation if I were to transition socially (aka let the whole goddamn world know I am Transgender). 

I found three blog posts from the same author that resonated with me greatly. With decades of living as a guy and external reinforcement of her gender as "male", the writer described that acknowledging she was transgender felt like believing a conspiracy theory about herself. Like me, she didn't fit the popular, accepted narrative of the feminine, young transitioner who was absolutely certain of their "Trans"-ness, and that continued existence as a guy will cause significant distress. To the writer, being a guy just had a lot of feelings of dissociation rather than distress. The writer also saw it necessary to describe how she realised she was transgender (her most popular post. Read it!) and write a guide to help people figure out if they transgender, which I found incredibly useful. 

I've come to terms that I am transgender, although I think the self-doubts will remain until the cat is fully out of the bag. A friend shared that as I come out to people and transition socially, I will gradually figure out which parts of myself are armour that I had put on over the years and which are core. And Isabelle will slowly develop over time. 

I've been posting predominantly about my transition journey so far, which makes me feel like I've neglected the crossdressing community quite a bit for the past year. So I'd like to share a great resource I recently discovered that I think will be very useful for anyone with questions on gender identity, sexuality, being a crossdresser or being trans/enby.

Dr Natalia Zhikhareva, or Dr Z PhD as she is known on her Youtube channel, is a clinical psychologist specialising in transgender care. The gateway video I'd like to share is about crossdressing, sexuality, gender identity and gender dysphoria. Throughout my journey, I had been incredibly confused about who I was and how the 4 things tied in to each other. The video takes a while to get into the meat of the topic, but it is very illuminating to those who are still confused about who they are, especially crossdressers who have to navigate the boat load of shame associated with liking clothes of the opposite gender.

Dr Z has many, many gems in her youtube channel, that I have been devouring over the past year during my commute to work. She also made a 7 part series for partners of trans-identified individuals, which I had shared with my wife. In the videos, she provides a balanced position to partners that doesn't blindly take sides.

It's rare that clinicians who truly understand the struggles and journey of individuals who struggle with gender issue provide free content that is very useful. So do have a watch if you want to find out more about matters of gender. If you do like her videos, you can also support her channel by subscribing.

I wrote about how my mental state hasn't been the best 9 months into transition (around February this year), and keeping it healthy was a constant struggle. 

Well it seems that things haven't really improved. My mental health has been in the pits. Here's one of many similar journal entries that captures the rut my mind has been stuck in almost everyday.

For most, the transition journey isn't an easy one. It's like travelleing through a pitch black tunnel that you know is around 2 - 3 years long, but feels like forever while in it. You have no idea how much longer before you get to see the light and there is significant uncertainty on whether you'll even reach the desired end state. 

To make things worse, dissonance from needing to present the opposite of my desired gender puts a constant mental strain. It has been 14 months since I started HRT and I still present as male flawlessly. I feel nowhere near being able to present as Isabelle. In the office I work mostly with guys in their 20s to 30s, while at home I still play the roles of son (to my parents) and a father. It is no wonder that I feel so damn far away from my goals. 

I am most vulnerable and susceptible to my intrusive thoughts when I'm tired. When the dark clouds come, I can feel myself becoming this insufferable ball of grump; my brows furrow often, the tempers roil just under the surface and I'm one random trigger away from lashing out. On other days I feel so physically and mentally drained from work, Daddy duties and the brainworms that I just lie down on the bed for up to an hour, hiding from it all. I've had to constantly remind myself to be patient with others, be present with those real in life (i.e. my kid and wife), and be kinder to myself instead of brutally piling on more self-guilt.  

Unfortunately, I cannot avoid looking at my own reflection in the mirror on a daily basis, so this is one trigger that I have to live with and just trust the process. But reducing other sources of triggers did help me to feel less shit about myself and manage my emotions. I left a Discord server of local transwomen (though they were my friends), because their occasional bouts of fretting over "masculine" features was a massive trigger. I also stay away from Reddit r/transtimelines and other online transgender spaces, where people post their before and after photographs. 

The solution is quite clear, albeit an extremely annoying one; Patience. I need to wait another year for HRT to take its effects, for electrolysis to remove my facial hair thoroughly so I no longer see the beard shadow and for my hair to grow out to a length where I can cut it in a more feminine style. Once I can see more of Isabelle in the mirror, it might just help soothe the dysphoria further. If I am still unhappy with my appearance, I could then consider facial feminisation surgery (FFS) to reduce the prominence of masculine features.

To help me manage my mental state and address my anxieties, I've also been seeing a psychologist, which has been surprisingly helpful in reframing how I viewed things, as well as pointing out a number of my blind spots.

These actions have helped me to manage my emotional state a little bit and tide over the darker moments. Hopefully with small wins as I continue my journey, I'll eventually get to a healthier place mentally and regain confidence for Isabelle to reappear in public.

(This post is probably going to get me cancelled 😕)

Captions of "Estrogen is magic!", "Estrogen is pixie dust!" "Estrogen is crack!", followed by a side by side pre-transition photo of a man with facial hair and a post-transition photo of a long haired woman with makeup are so incredibly common on Reddit r/transtimelines that it is almost the norm, yet it masks something incredibly important; Estrogen is not a magic pill. 

I hate how misleading such captions are. If you look at most of the pre/post-transition photos posted, there are usually the following key differences: 

To be fair, I can understand the euphoria one feels when transwomen compare their current post-transition selves with the man they once were. Being on a regimen of Estrogen (and anti-androgens to keep the T-levels down) does help many, many transwomen feel better about themselves, gradually bring about subtle feminising changes to the body, reduce gender dysphoria and feel optimistic about life. So it is natural to want to show the outcome of an amazing journey, especially if the pre/post-transition photos are so starkly different (and also for the dopamine rush that Reddit upvotes and Instagram likes bring). I did feel a sense of optimism when I saw how my body has changed over a short 6-month period, knowing that there are more changes to come. But I can assure you that after 1 year of HRT, the reflection I see in the mirror is still that of a unkempt long-ish haired man with a subtle beard shadow.

Estrogen's use in HRT is one of the means we take to achieve our end goal; to help us come closer to becoming the woman we feel so deeply to be, so that we can eventually let out the inner woman we have painfully suppressed for so many years. So transwomen, do continue to share with the world your amazing transformation journey on social media. But please, please try not to mislabel your photos and call Estrogen a magic pill, when the the changes aren't primarily due to Estrogen. Hopium is a terrible drug, and baby-trans are awfully susceptible to it.  

I read that it is important to keep a journal to log down emotions, thoughts, bodily changes and other details throughout HRT, so I've started this post to record them all down. It is on the longer side with bits that might not flow as smoothly, since they were written at different months of my transition.

Unintended, but my first day on the journey to womanhood happens to be the unofficial Star Wars Day. I just started, so there aren't any expected changes, other than a mixed bag of emotions that I've felt for a while now; a great sense of hope for the future but also significant trepidation of the challenges to come, now that I've set myself down the path of transitioning. If anything, popping the anti-androgen and estrogen pills for the first time felt extremely anti-climatic, as though my fear of HRT's risks were irrational and unfounded. But the best (and worst) is yet to come. So let's see how this goes. 

May the Force (4th) be with me. 

It's still early days so there are no visible physical changes. Some transwomen report experiencing a greater sense of calm, while others felt they were more in touch with their emotions and less numb. Well...I felt neither 😅 I did feel more light headed in the initial days and my baseline heartrate seems to have gone up. Hope that is just a temporary phenomenon. I also felt a bit more tired, but it could have been due to the general lack of sleep.

Libido took a near immediate hit within a few days of popping the pills. Little fella down below seems to be less inclined to stand. A bit of a downer because I'm not too bothered by my male appendage. My desire to dress as a woman also went down a lot (linked to libido it seems) and I also found myself uninterested in posting photos on Instagram. 

Around the 2nd week my nipples started to feel a bit tender, with a feeling of soreness when they are pressed directly. By the 3rd week, it felt like there was a small, hard marble behind each nipple, and they were perkier than before. The other observation was an increased sensitivity in my nipples. I've had zero sensitivity previously, but now when I gently rub them it seems to stir something down below? Interesting sensation and definitely welcome. 

Emotionally I've still not felt much ups and downs that some may have reported when on estrogen. My brain did occasionally catastrophise my decision to transition, such as worrying that I will never be convincing and passable, that HRT changes will be minimal and I will end up looking like a guy with teenage girl's boobs. But I successfully shoved these thoughts under the carpet by ignoring them. After all, it is still early days and nothing is irreversible. I guess years of compartmentalising has it's benefits 😅

As the changes due to HRT are very gradual and will take around 2 years to be more visible, the journey to womanhood feels like a really long one. For those who are dying to have their bodies become womanly and live as one ASAP, it's best to tamper those expectations significantly. I did a comparison with photos I took on Day 0 and there were no differences except for slightly perkier nipples.

Some fat has been building behind the nipple, causing them to push out a bit more prominently. While I am nowhere at risk of being outed, they are a reminder that in X months time, it is going to be quite hard to hide them. Nipples are also permanently sensitive and sore, which is ok until I bump them into something by accident and it's ouchie. 

I noticed that I was putting on a bit of weight since my baseline appears to have shifted from around 55.5kg to around 57kg. As there hasn't been any changes to my exercise, diet or lifestyle, HRT is definitely the cause. If I want to keep my figure I had better watch my diet more closely.

It also appears that muscle strength has dropped quite significantly. I casually went up to a chin-up bar and to my surprise I could only do 7; which was a big drop from my usual 11 (without any gym training). I also struggled to do more than 30 sit-ups, when just a few months back I could very easily do a burst of 40 sit-up. While I was aware reduced strength was an effect of being on HRT, I was quite shocked at how quickly loss of strength took place.

I had an annoying headache that lasted for 4 days and refused to go away. While a continued lack of sleep was likely a contributing factor, the doctor also said that it was likely due to higher or fluctuating oestrogen levels in the body. Fortunately it went away after a good long rest over the weekend, but it is something to monitor. The recent CNA documentary about increasing kidney failure rates scared me into reading about HRT more seriously, since popping pills apparently places a high load on the kidney as well. 

<Correction: Popping pills increases load on the Liver, not the Kidneys>

My weight has also been slowly creeping up. For the first time in a long while, I hit the 58kg mark, and my work pants occasionally feels too tight at the waist. Although estrogen HRT weight gain is widely reported (due to drop muscle mass and corresponding calorie burn), it is a bit disturbing. I've been cutting my rice intake, but more needs to be done to match the new baseline calorie burn.

I touched the back of my hand, which felt softer and less oily than I remembered, which was nice. I wonder if my skin would soften a bit further as the days progress. Sadly, I still have rather large pores and acne scars on my face, so the flawless skin that I see in so many other transwomen are likely a pipedream, even if I blow cash on laser and subcision treatments. 

I've been feeling sleepier than usual, which isn't helped by regular overtime and late nights. Fighting off the post-lunch sleep monster to concentrate on work was quite a challenge and I found myself consuming more cups of coffee than usual. It seems like a lack of the "get shit done" hormone has been putting my energy levels on a roller coaster. Hopefully this goes away at some point in the future. 

It might be my mind playing tricks on me, but there are some baby hairs sprouting in my bald spots. It still looks bare in photographs (which is a bummer), but it does give a bit of hope that the combination of finesteride, anti-androgens and estrogen is bringing some of my hair back. 

There were moments where reading a funny remark made me chuckle involuntarily. It was subtle, but a marked difference from how I would have reacted...which was no reaction other than registering: "This is funny". I don't recall ever having this involuntary reaction. When I shared it with other transwomen, they told me they had the same experience. One described emotions on HRT as accelerating faster and hitting a higher top speed. Sounds about right. I also noticed that I was less patient and more vocal about issues in the work place, although that could partially be attributed to stress. 

Recently I've been having more occasions where I feel more tired and down than usual. I'm not sure if it is due to regular lack of sleep or just the whole hormone imbalance causing lethargy. The "xian-ness" isn't due to one single factor; it is partly work related, but i can't say brainworms aren't getting the better of me. I've been fighting off thoughts that I'm gonna fall short of the expected goals of transition and I've already been managing my lowered expectations consistently (not setting an impossible goal of looking like a Kpop star, like some young transwomen do). Yet I feels like i'm gonna be a failure to myself and everyone around me.

Objectively, nothing much has changed, nor will it in the next few months. People from outside might see that I've got my shit together, doing alright at my job and life. But the brainworms remain. I saw an attractive middle aged cis-woman at Tiong Bahru plaza on 2 September in a long white dress whose whole look was exactly what I strived to be. But my brain immediately told me that as much as I hope, I will never come close to being like her.

I finally went for my first endocrinologist appointment at NUH on 19 September, after 4 months of waiting. If I had not sourced for my pills via the private route, this would have been day 1. The doctor I saw was an experienced looking man with a head of white hair. Entering into the room, he asked in a serious tone a bunch of background questions; when did my gender dysphoria begin, NS PES status and vocation, my age, whether I was married with kids, etc. He then proceeded to caution about transitioning in Singapore, that while there are some successful cases, he did encounter unsuccessful cases, including a transwoman 1 year older than me who had SRS, but was asking to detransition because the wife and children could not accept her transition. But then he called himself a hormone peddler, saying that with the psychiatrist's diagnosis, he will give me the anti-androgens and estrogen, as long as I am aware of the risks. After some discussion about the different types of pills available, he gave a presciption for Cyproterone and Estradiol Valerate (Progynova).

The endocrinologist ended off the session again with the warning that transitioning for middle aged adults in Singapore isn't easy, and that I will have to deal with all the social issues faced by transgender persons.

It's been half a year since I have been on female hormones. Popping pills in the morning and evenings have become quite routine, though it makes me feel like a 60 year old man eating his high blood pressure medicine. I've switched to Cyproterone and Progynova in early Oct. Some of the experienced transwomen I met suggested that I reduce the Cyproterone dosage I was prescribed (25mg per day), since long term use increases the risk of meningioma, which is a brain tumour (Sigh). Generally, anti-androgens used for suppressing testosterone aren't great if taken in the long term, so I plan to cut my dosages further and monitor.

Emotionally, I don't think the switch in medicines resulted in much changes, so I guess it is ok? My energy levels feel a bit less nuked, which was something I felt regularly when I was on Spironolactone.  

In terms of physical changes, other than regrowth of hair on my head, I noticed that my waist has gotten a tad bit thicker (especially the lower tummy), but a bit of fat has also distributed to my butt and hips. Let's hope the latter continues. My brain might be playing tricks on me again, but I think my cheek apples also do look a bit more pronounced due to the subtle fat distribution.  

My areolas have darkened in colour, as well as expanded from 2cm pre-HRT to around 3.5cm at the six month mark. Chest development wise, my left boob seems to be developing a bit more than the right. They're both conical in shape now, which causes the nipples to poke out of my shirt a bit and makes me look like I'm having mild gynecomastia. No one has commented on them yet, so I guess I don't need to start wearing chest-binders to hide them. Because I live with my parents and wear T-shirts while at home, I do consciously pull the collar of my T-shirts forward so that the extra material helps to hide my developing chest.

One of the best things so far is how soft and smooth my skin feels. I actually like running my hands over my forearms to feel this newfound softness. I also no longer have bad acne, which is amazing. God, why didn't I start HRT earlier. Years of cystic acne and scarring from these massive "volcano eruptions" would not have happened. 

While there hasn't been many visible changes, my emotions this month have been more in-flux. While nothing too dramatic, I've gotten frustrated over situations/people easily, and I also had a few depressive episodes. It could have been due to situation in general though. 

I went for a blood test in early December at NUH. Results wise, it seemed like my Estradiol (E2) levels were quite low despite maintaining the same 4mg dose of estrogen pills. The main change was my switch from Estrofem to Progynova back in October. As blood tests aren't frequent there was no confirmation that this was the cause, but instead of increasing my dose further to 6mg of Progynova, I asked the endocrinologist to put me back on 4mg Estrofem instead which he gladly agreed (since taking a lower dose is generally preferred in the eyes of healthcare professionals).

The other issue was that my progestin levels were really high. I was concerned about this, because persistently high levels could potentially lead to brain tumours in the long term. Strangely, the endocrinologist said it wasn't a big concern, but to be safe, I decided to cut my weekly dose further from 3 x 12.5mg per week to 2 x 12.5mg per week. Hopefully this will help to bring down levels during the next blood test. 

Bodily changes wise, there did not seem to be significant changes. Might just be in my head, but there may have be further growth in the chest department, albeit very gradual. Wearing T-shirts with the soft cotton material (e.g. Army admin tees) are starting to look a teeny bit suspicious.

The further loss of strength and muscle mass is also obvious. Recently I tried to do pull-ups and could only manage 4, down from 7 in the third month and 11 pre-HRT. Muscles does increase metabolism, so lesser muscles meant that my metabolism did go down too. 

Emotionally, I find myself easily irritated during the 1 - 4 hour window after taking estrogen, where I feel a grey cloud over my head and become extra snappy about things. This is worsened if I'm tired and in need of sleep.

It appears that fat distribution due to HRT is starting to give me wider hips. The changes can barely be seen in the mirror, but when I look at the pre-HRT photos, 6 month and 10 month photos, the effects are shockingly obvious. While my body doesn't have the hourglass shape, it's still pretty amazing how hormones can change the body shape. My hair is still quite short so I still pass as a guy without any effort (because I still look like one).  

A comment from my Dad recently took me by surprise. Over breakfast, he suddenly said that my face shape has changed. I acted cool and asked him what he meant. He said that my face looked sharper, probably due to my braces. Whew. While some of it could be due to braces, pretty sure some of it was due to HRT. 

On 18 March, I had a very bad episode of emotional deregulation. While it was triggered by certain conversations, the root cause was being really frustrated that the changes from HRT were taking so damn long. Some transwomen were already looking and presenting female at their 1 year mark, but for me, I still look like a guy. Being able to present female was nowhere in sight. I joke around that being in uncle mode works to my advantage as I do need a bit longer to ease into social transition, but honestly, it kind of sucks. It feels like transitioning is taking forever, and I will never reach my transition goals.

Amazing that I have already been diligently popping AA and Estrogen pills for one whole year now. While my transition journey has been much slower than I had initially hoped, the bodily changes are coming in; I just need to be patient. My bum feels fuller, hips wider than when I started transitioning. My left boob is about the size of a small orange, so with some luck, by end of year two I might just be able to squeeze out a bit of a cleavage with some push-up bras. The right boob does has catching up to do however. Nevertheless, seeing and feeling the changes does give me a great sense of comfort.

Brainworms. I only recently learned about this term. While urban dictionary defines it as "cognitively degenerating" or "going off the deep-end", the way it is used by younger generation transgender folks seems to be to have an illogical, unjustified belief that one is unpassable, despite evidence otherwise. "Brainworms" is a catchy and an easy way to describe the thoughts of self-doubt that even the most passable crossdressers and transgender have. Taken to the extreme, it might push some to go for surgery after surgery, to correct the "flaws" or masculine markers that one perceives. We regularly jest with each other that it isn't just HRT that is needed, but a thorough regime of deworming.

I've been having a bad case of passability brainworms recently. Catching a glance of my furrowed brows in the mirror, I think about my browbone being overly prominent. The toilet downlight casting an unflattering light on my face, accentuating all acne scars and my angular jaw makes me feel annoyed. In my quiet moments, I think about the genetically gifted, youthful transwomen that I will never measure up to, and I regularly worry about my ability to pass without makeup or surgery. It takes good friends to bonk me on the head and bring me back to earth again. But the cycle repeats, to the point where I already feel "paiseh" for voicing the same concerns to the same group of friends. 

I believe there are two phases to the bad case of brainworms. The first is before/during the transition phase, when there is uncertainty associated with transitioning and constant worry of how the future in 2 to 3 years time will look like. I can't speak for early transitioners, but I'm sure for those transitioning in their 30s or later, the need to tear down work/life/social structures built up over decades makes the brainworms especially numerous and wriggly. This is where I am right now, where I keep seeing an uncle in the mirror and cannot envision how the future will be; whether HRT will allow me to come closer to my appearance goals, whether growing out my hair is even possible, whether I could look decently female without a full face of makeup. 

Someone shared the photo below, which I thought was rather apt. The changes associated with transitioning such as fat distribution, electrolysis and hair growth takes time, so it is important to be patient. Even non-bodily changes such as developing a style that suits us, gender-aligned mannerisms and voice training isn't achieved in a few months.

(Please don't say "Yassss Kween" 😖)

The second phase is after transition. There are certain physical traits that do not change due to HRT, which can continue to be a source of some dysphoria. Height, size of ribcage (which results in a strong looking back), size of hands and feet, lack of hips, etc, the list goes on. While they don't create mental discomfort as regularly, society has a way of bringing typically dormant dysphoria to the fore, be it intentionally or unknowingly. There's always some random ass***e who points out that you are using the wrong toilet. Or an accidental misgendering by a stranger even though you felt extra passable that day. The reality for most transgender folks is that regardless of how "successful" one gets, there are always days where the brainworms come out to play.