I decided there was a need to write about this topic after a friend shared her unpleasant experience with another sister within the local crossdressing community. It wasn't the first time I've heard about what I would consider "unacceptable behaviour" by another sister.
Crossdressing is a very niche interest and the community is tiny. Many of us take great solace in the social aspect of dressing up together, creating a safe space where one can let loose, be themselves and trust each other with our deep, dark secret that our closest relatives and friends do not know about. However, there are actions I consider to be unacceptable behaviour as a member of this small community. At its most harmless, it is an annoyance to the victim. At its worst, these unacceptable behaviours are borderline criminal.
I will not cover illegal activities, such as stealing of women's clothes, attempting to take upskirt or partially undressed photos of other women in toilets. Such cases, which we read in the news far too often, are obviously criminal and will be dealt with swiftly by the law once found out.
1) Non-consensual touching
The friend of mine shared that she was on the receiving end of non-consensual touching by another crossdresser, during a dress-up gathering in a hotel room (due to the inability to crossdress at home, it is common for hotel rooms to be booked by one or more sisters for a dress-up session / gathering). The incident occurred unexpectedly when she was alone in the room with the other sister, taking her by surprise as she had thought she was in a safe space. In her state of shock, she did not pack up and leave immediately. She was touched / grabbed inappropriately a few more times despite her protests, before she finally snapped out of her shock and made the decision to leave.
Although we are biologically male under the dress, padding and makeup, when we crossdress, we shed our male self and take on a female persona. Our movements are less harsh, our mannerisms more gentle. We feel female not just physically but mentally, but it means we can also feel more vulnerable.
It is undeniable that crossdressing is a sexually exciting activity for many in the community. For this majority, slipping on hoisery, zipping yourself into a mini-dress and strutting around in high heels usually has the potential to get one's engine going. If the goal of a gathering is to crossdress together and partake in sexual activity (be it just touching or full blown sex), as long as it is between consenting adults, it is perfectly acceptable, and crossdressing together could be a fun, sexually charged experience. The problem arises when the touching is non-consensual, thereby pushing it into the realm of sexual harassment.
Having a common hobby is no excuse to touch another sister without obtaining consent. Neither is the fact that crossdressers have a tendency to wear outfits bordering on skankiness, drawing inspiration from the sexually-inclined male mind and the need to be over-compensate using hyper-feminine clothes, with the laciest lingerie, shortest mini-skirts and sky high stilettos. As is the case for women, don't blame the perpetrator's lack of self control on the victim's style of dressing. In fact, there is no excuse at all to touch someone else inappropriately without their consent.
My suspicion is that some of these sisters know very well that for many in the community, crossdressing usually has its roots in sexual arousal. By luring young / new crossdressers with the prospect of a safe space and care from a fellow sister, they can create an opportunity to touch the youngling, in hope that this physical contact could, tempt the trusting newbie to partake in sexual activity in the moment of headiness. One could argue that such actions is part of the chase, or part of helping another sister get over her self-denial and break out of her shell. Any sexual fun that results is between consenting adults. But what if the person being touched doesn't want to be (and yet is repeatedly touched)? Or does something she regrets?
Let's put it this way. If a guy inappropriately grabs or touches a lady he does not know, or even a female friend without first obtaining consent, it is considered molest and a criminal offence (I'm no lawyer, but that's my layman understanding of things). Unfortunately, the fact that [1] crossdressers are basically all guys, [2] non-consensual touching incidents between crossdressers tend to take place in hotel rooms or in clubs/bars, and [3] the secrecy surrounding this taboo activity we partake in makes it difficult for the "victim" to come out to anyone or make a police report (in severe cases).
2) Stealing photos
This behaviour baffles me. Why would you steal another fellow crossdresser's photograph and pass it off as your own? One reason I can think of this "identity theft" is to catfish admirers on social media such that they can enjoy the attention, praise, get off on sex-texting, or perhaps try to obtain gifts in the process.
There is one notorious crossdresser in the local community who has edited her face onto other crossdresser's photographs and posts the edited version on social media, claiming the photo to be of her. Like...why?! I know apps can do a face swap, to see how one might look with a body of a K-pop star, or wearing an ancient chinese princess outfit for the fun of it. But using other's photos and passing them off as yourself seems to take it to another level 😐
I suppose one can argue that this is the risk of social media. The moment it is shared on the internet, even if the account is private, there is a chance of your photos being downloaded and sent around. So if you share it with someone or on social media, you need to be ready for it to be shared in the public domain.
3) Outing someone
This is one of the worst crimes a crossdresser can inflict upon another. Maintaining privacy is a high priority among many in the community, and for good reason. Male to female crossdressing is not widely accepted in society. As much as society is slowly becoming "woke" and "liberal", the reality is that Singapore's society (family, school, workplace) in general still isn't very accepting of mtf crossdressers. More often than not, we are viewed as weird, unnatural, or worse - perverts.
Leaking out of a crossdresser's identity to family members, friends or colleagues can be potentially very damaging. Just like squeezing toothpaste out of the tube, there is no way to "unsqueeze" the toothpaste; the secret is revealed and damage is done. There is no way to justify such behaviour, even if the reveal was done accidentally (how can one be so careless with other's secrets?). If it was done intentionally, then whoever did so had malicious intent and needs to be branded a pariah in the crossdressing community.
Wrapping Up
One could argue that what I described above as "unacceptable behaviour" is merely my opinion, and I should get off my moral high horse. Who am I to be the judge of what is acceptable or not in the crossdressing community? I suppose that could be true; I sometimes do sound like a goody-two-shoes. But in my book, these behaviours I described are red lines that I don't think should be crossed. For newly minted sisters just opening their own closet door and reaching out to others in the community, these are some behaviours to be wary of.
