(Spilling the beans, after so many years)
I finally came out to my parents on 18 April 2025, Good Friday.
No special significance other than wanting to give them more time to digest the
news over the long weekend, although I had been joking with my friends that maybe my Mum would be extra understanding during the holy days where Jesus died for our sins.
Coming out to my parents was a key step in my transition journey, because I felt they had to know before I started telling more people about myself. The last thing I wanted was for them to hear from another source that their son is Transgender. Being a person who likes to be in control instead of leaving things to fate, telling them first was my way of de-risking a potentially incendiary situation. I had been wanting to tell them since February, but due
to house moving, a super hectic Chinese New Year, followed by a family holiday in Japan, the wife was very uncomfortable with the timing. In addition, she felt that I didn't have a confident answer regarding how we will deal with our kid, which was something that my parents were bound to ask about. As a
result, I postponed coming out, but it weighed increasingly heavily on my chest. After multiple rounds of back and forth, we finally came up with a detailed FAQ on how to address the tougher questions.
I had many fears about how they would react to me being
Transgender. My Mum was a staunchly devout Catholic, so there was a chance of
rejecting me and what I was doing to my body (i.e. taking hormones, thinking of
surgery). As for my Dad, while he had a more YOLO, pursue what you want in live
mentality, he is an Asian Dad and I was the eldest (and only) son in the
family. How they would react was a dice roll.
I had been rehearsing coming out to my parents during the
drive to work, arranging my points for cohesiveness, making sure they made
sense, readjusting the points when it seemed a bit odd. It wasn't easy but I
felt ready.
I went to my parents' place for dinner and had some random chit chat with them to try and relax. But I could feel the lump
in my throat each time I tried to say that there was something important I needed to tell
them. I could feel the fear building and nearly backed out, but it didn't feel right. I knew I would be kicking myself if I didn't
see it through today. So I asked my parents if we could adjourn to their
bedroom as I had something to tell them. Because I have never requested for a conversation in that manner, it was obvious my parents knew something was up. I
could taste the anxiety in the air, especially from my Dad. I knew I couldn't drag it out
or the anticipation would just build.
So I sat them both down and started.
I said that what I was about to tell them is very
shocking, so I hoped that they would remain calm and allow me to finish explaining
before asking questions. That regardless of how they react, I would love them. I told them
that I am Transgender, that I have had feelings of wanting to be a girl since I
was 5 years old and gave examples. I told them that I am on HRT and was seeing a
psychiatrist in NUH, who had diagnosed me with gender dysphoria. I
stressed that I was born this way and it wasn't due to upbringing, nor was it their fault.
I reassured them that I will not wear a dress in front of my kid until she is a
teenager and understood things better (this however, is something that I don't agree with, but to quell potential anxieties, that was the stance I took). To make things easier, I wouldn't wear a
dress at family gatherings too.
Despite multiple rounds of practice, the words that came out of me felt like a
gibberish mess in comparison, slow and stuttered with me constantly
looking away, only stealing the occasional glance at their faces. I could see that my parents were trying their best to stay calm and understand the situation. They asked if there were medicines that I could take to managed this "condition", to which I explained that there was no such
medicine. The solution to gender dysphoria in my case was to start HRT and transition to live as a woman.
My parents' concerns were primarily about bringing my kid up well and my wife's views on me transitioning. My Mum said she would pray for me, while my Dad (who has a more enlightened view to life) said that the most important thing is that I live my life and pursue happiness, but don't do stupid things
like off myself, especially since I have a responsibility to raise my kid. Everyone else's viewpoints don't matter.
At the end of our chat, my parents reiterated that
they will support and love me. It's about as good a reaction as one could expect,
although it was clear my parents didn't fully understood what it all meant. But I guess when you've never seen your eldest son in such pain,
crying a bit and trying to share heavy stuff, they probably held back their reactions.
Coming out to my parents was terrifying and cathartic at the same time. The huge weight I had been feeling was lifted and I could breathe a bit lighter. They now had answers to why I was growing out my hair and I could come properly spill the beans to more people. Since coming out to my parents, I have told three more close friends, who were all incredibly shocked by ultimately supportive. I feel seen as a complete person, with more people knowing about Isabelle. The imagined scene of my own wake that used to bring me to tears consistently no longer had the same power it does.
I separately approached my parents 2 months after coming out to ask them about insights they have had since I told them I was Transgender. My Mum told me she wants her son and that she will pray to God to help me overcome my mental struggles, to which I responded that I could not give her what she wants. My Dad still maintained his YOLO stance about life, but reiterated the responsibility I had to my wife and child. Hilariously, he also said to ignore what my Mum wants, since it is ultimately my life. It is still early days and my parents will be tested further as I gradually present more female. But it is my life and I am feeling hopeful.
