So far I reference Isabelle almost entirely in the third person. "Isabelle", "She", "Her". I've also become so adept at compartmentalising that Isabelle's become somewhat of a narrowly defined character. A well dressed, glammed up woman that makes an occasional appearance to paint the town red.
But I've been finding this very unhelpful in my journey to integrate Isabelle into daily life. And most importantly, Isabelle isn't a separate persona, nor is she just one part of me. I am Isabelle. In entirety, comprising of all facets of myself. The glamorous, dolled-up version, the bare-faced sloppy version, the bespectacled work version, etc. Even moments when I feel masculine or need to play stereotypically masculine roles (e.g. as a dad), these are all parts of Isabelle. I've come to realise that transitioning isn't about becoming Isabelle. It is about accepting that I am Isabelle.
Of course, the reality is that physical changes are important in helping me to see myself as a woman. So a year ago when the reflection in the mirror was very much a short-haired guy, it wasn't possible for me to see myself as a woman. And I've been so used to doing this huge switch from frumpy guy to dolled-up woman, that it has been a challenge to see myself as Isabelle without makeup. But as I reach my 2 year hrt anniversary and my hair is a lot longer, the internal barrier to seeing my daily self as a woman has been lowered. There is a need to shift how I view myself.
There's also internalised shame associated with being transgender that is a barrier to integrating Isabelle into my daily life. It still feels weird to tell others the words "I am Isabelle". Heck, I only told my wife recently (Mar 2025) that the name I chose for myself. That's a really long time, considering that I came out to my wife in 2018 and that I have gender dysphoria. So far, it has been much easier to refer to the female self in the 3rd person. But that might have also led to the wife viewing Isabelle as this person that looks somewhat like me but is a stranger, with demands that she be let out, demands that she be seen and acknowledged. Which is very unhelpful in getting my wife to be comfortable with me as Isabelle. But as a friend rightly pointed out to me: "Isabelle...even you're not comfortable with Isabelle". Being secure in my own identity is the first step in integration.
It isn't easy, especially having lived so many years as a guy and building an entire identity as one. But I try to celebrate the small wins on this transition journey and acknowledge that I am a constant work in progress. Slowly but surely, I will come to see that I am a woman. I am a transwoman. I am Isabelle.
