Musings of a Singaporean Transgender

There's also the emotional part that people often talk about when being on estrogen, where they are more in touch with their emotions, that they feel more vivdly and deeply. I do feel less dissociated and numb, though the highs and lows can be quite a rollercoaster. Even if it is triggered by pain, crying is so cathartic and helps to undo the knots in my heart. There are also days where I feel very balanced, calm and happy. I can't say how much of it is attributed to estrogen or just living as myself, but the former definitely has some effects.

Gratitude is very underrated. I've recently come to the conclusion that it is one of the key ingredients to a happier, calmer life. While we sort of know it is important to be grateful, actually practicing the recognition of things to be thankful for in life is something that isn't so easily done. 

This realisation happened at the end of my last therapy session on 13 April. It was a good session where I ugly cried, which usually meant I uncovered some of my heavily bubble wrapped emotions. As we ended the session with some calming exercises, the psychologist I had been seeing for more than 2 years told me that she was leaving the company soon and will have to be handing over my case to another of her colleagues.

Maybe because I was in a very emotional state, I burst into another round of ugly crying. But through my sobs and trying to breathe through a heavily blocked nose, I felt an immense feeling of gratitude to her. It was a glow that I felt in my entire body (yes it does sound a bit dramatic, but that was how it felt). The past few years had been very tough. Many days were filled with grey that felt like a dark tunnel that never ended, a swamp I felt I didn't have the energy to dig myself out from. 

As I thanked her through my sobs, the people who had shown me kindness came to mind. My voice therapist at Alexandra Hospital for 1+ years who was always encouraging and a bright ray of sunshine that made me look forward to every session. Friends who have been there, listening to my repeated complaints of the same issues over and over. My kid who is my entire world, who constantly looks up to me but somehow had a magical ability to drag me out of my moods. And my wife, who has been walking with me, despite the ups and downs in our relationship. We've said hurtful things to one another, but there was always attempts to understand, repair, be better in communication and better as partners. 

Singaporeans tend to be impatient and complain about many things in life. We somehow developed an expectation that things has to be fast, in a certain way and according to our plans, otherwise we get unhappy. "How dare you delay me from reaching my destination 5 minutes slower than I have planned!?" I've very guilty of that. In an almost Karen sort of way, we lose track of what is truly important in life and being connected to ourselves. We lament the pit of misery that we are in, missing out the many small but important things that are signposts of a good life. 

I've actually kept a gratitude journal since 2020, which started as a random decision to note down the small things in my life to be grateful for, like a good night's sleep, a calm Sunday with my kid, a rare moment of connection with my mum, witnessing the sunset along the Californian coast, a simple 2 hour early morning hike with my friend, etc. Before I realised, I've got a log of 5 years of little events that I sometimes scroll through, to remind myself that even though life sometimes feels hard, there are many, many things to be grateful and happy for.

To the people in my life who have shown me kindness, thank you, I am grateful ☺️

What a year 2025 has been. If I thought 2024 was bad, 2025 was a wilder rollercoaster ride of emotional ups and downs. Reading back my own journal entries, it's amazing how I even managed to get through the year. Somehow I did, 1 day at a time, left foot right foot repeat. 

At the start of the year, I moved out from my parent's place into my new home, giving me space to start stepping out as Isabelle. It was important, even though I was terribly brainwormed and wasn't ready to go out for the first few months. 

I worked too much in 2025, spending 10 to 12 hours in the office which left little energy and time. Juggling work deadlines, managing bosses' expectations, needing to keep things on track but still be understanding, responsible, supportive, fair, rational (middle management is hard work). And trying my best to be a parent at home meant I felt exhausted and vulnerable to unhappy thoughts. Work was definitely a contributory factor to my depressive moods that happened multiple times a week.

I cried so many times in 2025; in the therapist's office, in the car, in the toilet, in my room, at my grandmother's funeral, in the food court, in a few restaurants, when the kid was at enrichment class, at the airport, after my FFS rejection in the US. I came so close to breaking point, where everything felt exhausting, grey, pointless...that all I could do was lie down for hours. But I am grateful for being able to cry. It allowed me to feel emotions that I had become so adept at bubble-wrapping and shoving away. And I usually felt a lot better after a cry.

I came out to my parents in 2025. While it was scary, it was very much needed; the first step in telling the rest of my world. I didn't need to worry about them accidentally finding out about me being transgender from another source. I even managed to reconnect with my Mum during a morning hike and showed pictures of Isabelle. While there's still a long way to full acceptance, with time I think we'll get there. I have also come out to a few friend groups. It's much easier to tell friends and now I take pleasure in seeing jaws drop when I appear in front of them in a form they did not expect. In my university guy friend group, I've also managed to consistently appear as Isabelle. 

The urgency of FFS had lessened as compared with the first 9 months of the year. It's still there and I long for the day where I finally go for it, but it isn't as suffocating as before. I'm not sure why, but it's probably due to coming out to people and spending less time on social media (IG, reddit, transgender groups where I cannot help but compare, etc). I was very disappointed after being rejected for FFS during my US trip, but I didn't come home empty handed. The solo trip was the longest I spent living as Isabelle and somehow the lack of any schedule or urgency to sightsee allowed me to just be in the moment. I went about life without feeling out of place and for the first time, something clicked...it felt like living full time as a woman was possible. My internal narrative to myself become kinder. While I needed some makeup to feel like myself, I also felt lesser pressure to perform.

Through struggles in my marriage, blowing up of a few friendships and reconnecting of others, I realised that relationships are transient, unequal, messy, yet so important in life. They can be so easy, but neglect them and they will wilt like a plant without water. I learnt that choosing to be there for a person is a gift to bestow, that when others do it, it needs to be appreciated. Willingness to communicate and being kind even when it seems difficult, is a show of love that needs to be recognised. I try to remind myself to be present, to cherish the people around me, to laugh more and savour the little pockets of free time.

2025 ended without too much fanfare. But it definitely ended better than it had started. I think 2026 will be a good year. As I come out to more people and integrate Isabelle into my life, I hope there will be fewer grey moments.  I gave myself a few simple resolutions for 2026: