What a year 2025 has been. If I thought 2024 was bad, 2025 was a wilder rollercoaster ride of emotional ups and downs. Reading back my own journal entries, it's amazing how I even managed to get through the year. Somehow I did, 1 day at a time, left foot right foot repeat.
At the start of the year, I moved out from my parent's place into my new home, giving me space to start stepping out as Isabelle. It was important, even though I was terribly brainwormed and wasn't ready to go out for the first few months.
I worked too much in 2025, spending 10 to 12 hours in the office which left little energy and time. Juggling work deadlines, managing bosses' expectations, needing to keep things on track but still be understanding, responsible, supportive, fair, rational (middle management is hard work). And trying my best to be a parent at home meant I felt exhausted and vulnerable to unhappy thoughts. Work was definitely a contributory factor to my depressive moods that happened multiple times a week.
I cried so many times in 2025; in the therapist's office, in the car, in the toilet, in my room, at my grandmother's funeral, in the food court, in a few restaurants, when the kid was at enrichment class, at the airport, after my FFS rejection in the US. I came so close to breaking point, where everything felt exhausting, grey, pointless...that all I could do was lie down for hours. But I am grateful for being able to cry. It allowed me to feel emotions that I had become so adept at bubble-wrapping and shoving away. And I usually felt a lot better after a cry.
I came out to my parents in 2025. While it was scary, it was very much needed; the first step in telling the rest of my world. I didn't need to worry about them accidentally finding out about me being transgender from another source. I even managed to reconnect with my Mum during a morning hike and showed pictures of Isabelle. While there's still a long way to full acceptance, with time I think we'll get there. I have also come out to a few friend groups. It's much easier to tell friends and now I take pleasure in seeing jaws drop when I appear in front of them in a form they did not expect. In my university guy friend group, I've also managed to consistently appear as Isabelle.
The urgency of FFS had lessened as compared with the first 9 months of the year. It's still there and I long for the day where I finally go for it, but it isn't as suffocating as before. I'm not sure why, but it's probably due to coming out to people and spending less time on social media (IG, reddit, transgender groups where I cannot help but compare, etc). I was very disappointed after being rejected for FFS during my US trip, but I didn't come home empty handed. The solo trip was the longest I spent living as Isabelle and somehow the lack of any schedule or urgency to sightsee allowed me to just be in the moment. I went about life without feeling out of place and for the first time, something clicked...it felt like living full time as a woman was possible. My internal narrative to myself become kinder. While I needed some makeup to feel like myself, I also felt lesser pressure to perform.
Through struggles in my marriage, blowing up of a few friendships and reconnecting of others, I realised that relationships are transient, unequal, messy, yet so important in life. They can be so easy, but neglect them and they will wilt like a plant without water. I learnt that choosing to be there for a person is a gift to bestow, that when others do it, it needs to be appreciated. Willingness to communicate and being kind even when it seems difficult, is a show of love that needs to be recognised. I try to remind myself to be present, to cherish the people around me, to laugh more and savour the little pockets of free time.
My kid has been the best thing in my life. As much as she needed her Daddy, I needed her as well. No one had the same ability to pull me out from the quagmire and grey clouds as quickly as she did. She reminded me the importance of being present, of loving freely, of beauty in the simplest things, the joy of just holding space and being there for someone. In a transactional world with relationships that seemed assessed based on value and fun that can be obtained, this relationship felt pure.
2025 ended without too much fanfare. But it definitely ended better than it had started. I think 2026 will be a good year. As I come out to more people and integrate Isabelle into my life, I hope there will be fewer grey moments. I gave myself a few simple resolutions for 2026:
- Sleep more, exercise more, manage my energy
- Come out to family and friends
- Love and prioritise myself
- Prioritise family and people who truly care for me
