Musings of a Singaporean Transgender

There's also the emotional part that people often talk about when being on estrogen, where they are more in touch with their emotions, that they feel more vivdly and deeply. I do feel less dissociated and numb, though the highs and lows can be quite a rollercoaster. Even if it is triggered by pain, crying is so cathartic and helps to undo the knots in my heart. There are also days where I feel very balanced, calm and happy. I can't say how much of it is attributed to estrogen or just living as myself, but the former definitely has some effects.

Gratitude is very underrated. I've recently come to the conclusion that it is one of the key ingredients to a happier, calmer life. While we sort of know it is important to be grateful, actually practicing the recognition of things to be thankful for in life is something that isn't so easily done. 

This realisation happened at the end of my last therapy session on 13 April. It was a good session where I ugly cried, which usually meant I uncovered some of my heavily bubble wrapped emotions. As we ended the session with some calming exercises, the psychologist I had been seeing for more than 2 years told me that she was leaving the company soon and will have to be handing over my case to another of her colleagues.

Maybe because I was in a very emotional state, I burst into another round of ugly crying. But through my sobs and trying to breathe through a heavily blocked nose, I felt an immense feeling of gratitude to her. It was a glow that I felt in my entire body (yes it does sound a bit dramatic, but that was how it felt). The past few years had been very tough. Many days were filled with grey that felt like a dark tunnel that never ended, a swamp I felt I didn't have the energy to dig myself out from. 

As I thanked her through my sobs, the people who had shown me kindness came to mind. My voice therapist at Alexandra Hospital for 1+ years who was always encouraging and a bright ray of sunshine that made me look forward to every session. Friends who have been there, listening to my repeated complaints of the same issues over and over. My kid who is my entire world, who constantly looks up to me but somehow had a magical ability to drag me out of my moods. And my wife, who has been walking with me, despite the ups and downs in our relationship. We've said hurtful things to one another, but there was always attempts to understand, repair, be better in communication and better as partners. 

Singaporeans tend to be impatient and complain about many things in life. We somehow developed an expectation that things has to be fast, in a certain way and according to our plans, otherwise we get unhappy. "How dare you delay me from reaching my destination 5 minutes slower than I have planned!?" I've very guilty of that. In an almost Karen sort of way, we lose track of what is truly important in life and being connected to ourselves. We lament the pit of misery that we are in, missing out the many small but important things that are signposts of a good life. 

I've actually kept a gratitude journal since 2020, which started as a random decision to note down the small things in my life to be grateful for, like a good night's sleep, a calm Sunday with my kid, a rare moment of connection with my mum, witnessing the sunset along the Californian coast, a simple 2 hour early morning hike with my friend, etc. Before I realised, I've got a log of 5 years of little events that I sometimes scroll through, to remind myself that even though life sometimes feels hard, there are many, many things to be grateful and happy for.

To the people in my life who have shown me kindness, thank you, I am grateful ☺️