This is a post to any wife / girlfriend who stumbles onto my rather obscure blog (no no no please don't leave! I promise some insights!)

You're likely reading this post, because somehow you just found out that your Prince Charming actually prefers to be the princess, and life as you know it is crumbling before your eyes. There's a million questions in your mind and you're not sure if you know the answers to them. 

I will be upfront and tell you that your situation isn't unique, but it is undoubtedly  complicated. So let this fledgling blogger and life-long crossdresser attempt to answer your questions. Please note that these are all my opinions and I hope I do not inadvertantly offend anyone. If you want to read about my coming out story, you can find it here.

No, your husband / boyfriend is not a pervert just because he likes to wear women's clothes! There are a myriad of reasons why men likes to wear ladies clothes and makeup to feel like a woman; some just want to look pretty, some do it as a form of escape, some want to destress, some are turned on by crossdressing, some view it as an expression of themselves, some just do it for fun to confuse people, while some are transgender. What is common is that crossdressers tend to experience the urge to do so from a very young age (around 10) and they have been doing so in secret because this behaviour is frowned upon.

Although crossdressing may be viewed as a perversion by some, it shouldn't be! Women crossdress all the time, by wearing clothes which are supposedly masculine, such as boyfriend shirts or pants, but don't get any flak for it. Society is still largely unable to accept why a man would want to degrade himself by putting on lacy undies and wear a dress.

Personally, I view crossdressing as a hobby like any other. It brings joy to the individual, there are amateurs and professionals in the field, and as long as it is not illegal, done obsessively or cause grievious hurt to others, it should not be seen in such a negative light as it is now. 

It depends. Loving to crossdress and looking like a woman does not automatically make one gay. There are many crossdressers who are straight and cannot fathom to get it on with another guy. However, there is also a possibility that he is afraid of tell you of his interest in men, or he could be in denial of his sexuality.

Do consider broaching the topic gently to tease out an honest answer to your question. You need to be aware that there is a broad spectrum of sexualities and for your partner who has been a closet crossdresser since young with no one to talk to about his secret, it has been an extremely confusing journey.

Probably not, if he says so explicitly. If your partner came clean to you about his crossdressing, it means that he wants to continue his relationship with you and has decided to confide in you in hopes of gaining your acceptance of his occasional crossdressing.

However, there is a possibility that he is so deep in denial that he does not realise that he is actually transgender at the point of coming out to you. Once he becomes more honest with himself, he may "come out" to you again some point in the future. It is important that you sit down with him and calmly understand his motivations for crossdressing. To be fair to yourself, if you are uncomfortable with your spouse transitioning, it should be made clear right from the start. 

NO! As much as you are emotionally hurt and feeling betrayed, telling a 3rd party about your husband / boyfriend's crossdressing has massive repercussions. Not everyone has the discipline to keep such a juicy secret under wraps and it can spread like wildfire. Society generally frowns upon a man in a dress; as such, crossdressing behaviour can potentially damage careers or wreck family relationships. Your husband / boyfriend may have struggled for years and finally decided to trust you with his deepest, darkest secret. It is only right to treat his confidence in you accordingly.

 

I repeat, please DO NOT spread his secret to 3rd parties.

Unfortunately, that is a promise that he will not be able to keep. He probably said this in the heat of the moment, so as to stop you from crying/screaming at him/convince you not to leave him. He might be able to purge his ladies' clothes completely and bottle up his emotions and urges for weeks, months, even years. But all it takes is a trigger and his crossdressing will come back with a vengeance. It sucks for him because he is in a conundrum; he cannot dress openly or you will know he has broken his promise, which will shatter for a second time the illusion he had rebuilt. The only way is thus to do it in secret and hope you do not find out

Sorry fellow crossdressers. You all know this bit is true.

This is a situation where I think there is a need to separate (i) the act of crossdressing and (ii) actions of infidelity. 

Although some religions may disagree, the act of crossdressing in itself is not wrong or harmful. It is simply wearing of clothes that are normally associated with the opposite gender. However, actions of infidelity wander into the realm of betrayal which I think should not be condoned. Yes, crossdressers can be sexually confused, but it is not an excuse to go around trying to hook up with other people when you are married / attached.

If your partner is a great person, is straight and dresses as a woman occasionally, you could consider setting ground rules such that you do not need to see him enfemme. It will be a compromise position, which is a win-win for both parties. He would appreciate your acceptance of his crossdressing and bring his crossdress into hiding, and you will not need to break the mental image of him as a masculine guy.

However, everyone is entitled to their opinions. If the mere thought of your partner wanting to crossdress repulses you so much that your normal life / love life is affected, perhaps it may be best for both parties to go separate ways.

Firstly, calm down and don't freak out. You are in a situation where the best course of action is to have a frank sit down talk just between your partner and yourself. It might be difficult and potentially long, but this is the only way to properly understand the situation. If you need some time and space to clear your thoughts, let him know.

He is telling you because he is trusting you to keep his secret and hoping for some form of acceptance. To be able to crossdress freely, in the comfort of his home without the need to hide it from you. It may come as a shocker but chances are your partner is more terrified than you are. Remember that he has probably never told anyone his secret and is extremely worried about your reaction to him coming out, especially if you are married with children. 

You are under no obligation to accept his behaviour of course, but it is important to view it objectively. Just because he likes to wear silkier, lacy clothes at home does not make him a totally different person.

I think it is important to ask about his sexuality and whether he intends to transition. These are important issues that can be deal breakers for many relationships.

Ask about his crossdressing story. When did he start doing so, how did he start, why does he do it, where does he keep his ladies' clothes, whether he has gone out in public enfemme before, whether he has told anybody. You should also find out why he is choosing to share his secret with you.

If you're feeling bold, ask him to show you how he looks like enfemme. However, be careful not to mislead him into thinking that you are accepting his crossdressing if you feel otherwise. Honesty is the best policy, but the situation should be handled delicately.

There are many articles and resources in the internet answering questions from distressed wives / girlfriends about their partner's crossdressing, especially on forums like reddit and quora. Do take what you read with a pinch of salt as everything is someone's opinion.

However, you can take some comfort in knowing that you are not alone in the world out there. And if your husband / boyfriend is an awesome person whom you want to spend your life with, accepting his crossdressing will definitely make him cherish you even more and enhance your relationship further.