My Journey (Part 5) - Coming out to my Wife
Many have asked me about my coming out story. For those who don't know me, spoiler alert, the story has a happy ending. But perhaps it is more the process I went through which you might be interested in.
Why I U-turned and decided to tell my Wife
In an earlier post on my crossdressing journey, I wrote about how I had consigned myself to being in the closet for the rest of my life. Well, all that started to unravel after I married my wife and moved into our brand new flat. I gradually felt a sense of being boxed-in, due to a fear of my stash of women's clothes being discovered or my wife accidentally walking in on me crossdressed. I knew I was a bad liar and would be unable to talk myself out of a compromising situation, nor did I want to put myself in a position where I needed to lie directly to my wife's face. The feelings of mental claustrophobia was possibly exacerbated by a sudden drop in opportunities to crossdress secretly at night and release the pent up urges, since I now shared a room with my wife. Sooner or later, she was going to find out about my crossdressing habits.
Another factor that made me reconsider coming out was a possibility of success. My wife has a few close friends who were gay/lesbian. She wasn't religious, so she didn't subscribe to any potential anti-LGBTQ+ teachings. And she recently started watching copious amounts of RuPaul's Drag race (more for the drama than anything really). There was a sliver of hope that perhaps my wife would be at least grudgingly accepting of my crossdressing and I didn't need to constantly hide from her or live in fear of accidental discovery.
I decided I had to come clean to her. Honesty in a relationship is important, and if I had to face an enraged spouse, I rather control the parameters of the confrontation than be caught in an uncontrolled explosion.
Preparing for the Worst
My memory is a bit hazy, but I think it took me 1+ month of internal struggle on how to come out to my wife. Some of the rejected ideas along the way were as follows:
- Wine and dine her, and when she's in a good mood, tell her - I rejected this idea because restaurants may be too noisy (can't talk in whispers) or quiet (awkward silences would be made worse), and an ugly fallout in public was a risk I didn't want to take
- Dress up in women's clothes to show her - Mad ah! I immediately rejected this idea. Might work if you're the hilarious type
- Leave out pieces of ladies' clothes for her to find - Too random. What if she doesn't find it when I want her to?
- Test the water by casually chatting about crossdressing on TV and ease in the subject - It is a viable approach for some, but i felt it would be awkward for me to open with this
- Sit her down after dinner / work at home and come clean - this was the most sensible, low risk option, but I was certain I would not be able to verbalise the complicated situation to her properly. I tried practicing alone in the car, saying: "I've got something important to tell you. I like wearing girl's clothes", but just the opening already came out very forced.
I finally decided to write a letter to her, because it would be clear and detailed. Writing the letter took me around 2 months, as I spent pockets of free time drafting and re-drafting to make sure the letter covered the main points: (i) What is crossdressing, why I do it and that I have been struggling with this since young, (ii) I'm not gay, I don't want to transition, (iii) apologise for not telling her before marriage, (iv) I hope for her acceptance.
To increase my chances of a less explosive situation, I was also selective of when to come out to her. I didn't want to choose to tell her after work on a weekday when she was tired and possibly still feeling the stress from work. I decided that the "auspicious" date had to be the 1st day of a long weekend. She would be more relaxed, and it would give her more time for the revelation to sink in and accept the situation.
I nearly aborted my plan multiple times in the lead up to the date I selected. I feared for the permanent damage revealing my secret would do, the potential fallout and how things would go downhill in our relationship. Will she scream at me? Will she cry in sadness at having married a man that secretly liked being a woman? Will she tell her family / friends and result in even more embarressment? Will she ask for divorce and even use the crossdressing reason against me?
Scenarios of the potentially catastrophic fallout played back in my head repeatedly and I struggled to muster the courage to stick to the plan. I clung on to the little hope that somehow she would accept me.
The Bombshell
The bombshell finally dropped on 16 June 2018 and it marks a massive milestone in my life. Although I planned on revealing the secret on the first day of the long weekend, I chickened out from doing so.
On the second day of a long weekend, I resolved to come out to the wife. To clear my head and relieve some of the tension, I went for a jog at 6.30am in the morning (it did help a fair bit). After I was done with my post-run shower, my wife had woken up and was using her phone in bed. I knew it was time.
Sitting in the living room with the printed letter in hand, I sent her a Whatsapp message saying that I had something serious that I needed to talk to her about. By sending the message, I had just cut off all options of backing out. There was only one way out of this and it was forwards. My heart was pounding and I felt a pressure on my ears, like the sensation of the 4 walls closing in and being engulfed in terror. It felt like time stood still as I waited for the double blue tick in Whatsapp and for her to reply.
I heard a rustle in the room and my wife with her morning bed head stepped into the living room, looking worried. I sat her down, swallowed my fear, handed her the letter and said "Please read". And then silence.
After reading the 3 page letter, she looked at me and said "Is that it?"
(Me in response to my wife's reaction)
EH?!? I was stunned. Of the scenarios I conjured up in my head, this wasn't one of them.
Seeing how much of a loss for words I was, my wife went on to explain that she was expecting something much worse, such as being in serious debt or being unceremoniously fired from my job. My feminine side and interest in crossdressing was indeed unexpected given how I was like in guy mode, but not unwelcome. She was also empathetic that I had struggled alone with the desire to crossdress since a young age, hiding my secret with no one to talk to. She said I did not have to hide in front of her anymore.
It was surreal.
She was more accepting and understanding than I could have expected and ever hoped for. I don't cry easily, but I briefly did that day, hugging her petite frame as hard as one could.
My wife told me that she was very curious about how I managed to keep this secret so well hidden from everybody including herself and where I kept my ladies' clothes.
I dug out the two wheely bins from the corners of our storeroom to show her my goodies. We sat in the corridoor of our flat, with me slowly unpacking and showing her all the items I had kept hidden, while she gave a running commentary on the style of each item. She was amazed at the height of the heels which I had (they were all 4-inch heels). She was slightly grossed out that I hadn't washed the clothes since buying them (understandably, since I had no place to dry them), so she offered to wash all of them (given that I had zero experience in dealing with bras and delicates).
She set aside a small space in her cupboard for my makeup and told me to deliver any items I buy directly to our house instead of the nearby POPStation (mail pick up point).
At that moment, I truly felt like the luckiest person in the world. A heavy weight lifted of my shoulders that day. I no longer needed to hide any more in my own home.
Minority amongst Minorities
I am acutely aware that I belong to a fortunate minority in the crossdressing community, whose wife accepts her husband's crossdressing. Numerous sisters have told me about how lucky I am. Most spouses are not so willing to bear with, let alone accept a husband's crossdressing. Some adopt an "out of sight, out of mind" stance, some grudgingly bear with it for the sake of their children, while others vehemently prohibit their husband from crossdressing. A number demand for divorce. I've even heard of an angry wife outing the husband to his family members.
For this I am extremely grateful to my wife. She wad under no obligation to accept my crossdressing, especially since I didn't tell her my secret before tying the knot. I love her prior to coming out, and her acceptance just me cherish her even more.
End Notes
The last thing I want from sharing my story, is for you, the reader, to be green with envy, or despair at your current situation. I know everyone's situation is different, and coming out is not an option for many. But I do hope that my story inspires you in some way, or gives you faith that even if you haven't found them, there are people out there who will accept you for who you are; that you are normal in their eyes, that your female self and male self are essentially the same person, only that one is a lot more fashionable and fabulous than the other 😁
If you are a girlfriend or spouse who just found out about your partner's secret, I wrote a post about some key things you may want to know.
17 Comments
Very very very envy you. My wife is super religious.....guess I have to remain closet forever.
ReplyDeleteSorry to hear that :( It's unfortunate but religion does stack the odds against you when coming out. Nevertheless, I like to tell people that the needs and duties of the guy mode outweighs the whims and fancies of the inner girl. Prioritise what is most important
DeleteHi Isabelle,
DeleteYes, the duties of the guy mode is more important, won't deny it. Will bring the crossdressing secret to my grave ....sigh
Why is the duties of the guy mode more important? Both are important. It's like saying male is more important? I think it is just the difficulties of crossdressing in the society sense. Thoughts?
DeleteYou misunderstand. I do not mean that the male life is better than the female life. My position is that there is always a need to prioritise. For me, I have a family to prioritise. So as much as I want to dress more frequently, I cannot do so at the expense of neglecting the wife's needs. Or put myself in a risky position in CD mode and jeopardise my career. Or spend $400 on that gorgeous gown I can only wear indoors when I should be saving it up.
DeleteWe cannot neglect the inner woman fully or we will go mad. But she's got to learn some restraint
I vote this as the most important resource on the Internet!
ReplyDeleteThanks!! But there's quite a lot of other resources out there. I recently came across another CD blog, but it's based overseas. Content is still relevant though. Check it out on my resources post
DeleteHappy for you!! Do you enjoy dressing in the house with your wife on daily basis too?
ReplyDeleteGreat article. Give hope and confidence to me. Do you mind sharing your letter (with sensitive/personal details redacted)? Would like to learn how you wrote it out and the way you explained things to reassure your wife.
ReplyDeleteHey Deb, I'm ok to share the letter I wrote (I should still have it saved somewhere). Drop me an email and I'll send it to you
Deletewow thanks for offering to share. whats your email address dear?
DeleteYou can see it on my profile
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ReplyDeleteDoes your wife impose any limits on what u can or cannot do?
ReplyDeleteI never really discussed the boundaries with her. But generally I only dress at home or occasionally going out shopping in girl mode. She seems ok with this. Of course there needs to be reassurance about not intending to transition and the intent behind crossdressing
DeleteI'm glad to share with you that I came out to my wife recently and she has been positive as well. Yay.
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