Musings of a Singaporean Crossdresser

The trigger for this post was something that happened when I went for my hair transplant in Bangkok. I'll just paste the note I wrote when I was feeling incredibly emotional.

Since my last post, quite a number of people have reached out to me to ask about things. Messages were mainly from people in the crossdressing community that I had known for some time. There were encouraging messages cheering me on and wishing me the best in my transition. Some who had transitioned told me that the thought process and fears I had laid out pertaining to work and family all resonated with them significantly. There was shock from some who could not understand my rationale for transitioning, since being a crossdresser was much easier and I had the best of both worlds. And a few started to feel their own egg shells crack. 

While I've got quite a number of blog posts incoming, I thought it is more timely to provide an update of how I am doing, 10 months into my transition.

Generally, I am ok. Balance at home with the wife is still preserved (for now), and I cannot overstate the importance of having harmony and a safe space at home. It is a privilege that most married transitioners do not have the luxury of enjoying and I do not take it for granted. With so many things in flux, I am extremely glad this area of life remains stable. 

I still look like a guy, so living as my guy self at home and in the office is a cakewalk. There hasn't been any weird questions or comments about my appearance, which is in a sense a blessing since my hair is taking forever to grow since my hair transplant in Nov 2023. The downside of that is that I feel like I'm on the same goddamn spot 10 months after HRT and that I will never reach my transition goals.

If I'm honest, I don't think my mental state and mood has ever been worse. Gender dysphoria and worries of the future is a near daily battle in my head that I constantly need to soothe. I have a tendency to catastrophise, and on bad weeks it happens every 2 days, leading me along in a doom spiral of envying the things others have that I currently do not, and the very many bad things that will come my way. My energy for the day is sapped and all I want to do is lie down and sleep for a really, really long time. I am thankful for friends in the community I can rant to, since it is very hard to share such fears with non-transgender folk without sounding inane and superficial. But sometimes it is the same friends who are further along on their own journey that are the intense source of envy and dysphoria. A casual comment could send my emotions on a downwards spiral. 

But life has to go on, bills and taxes need to be paid, work needs to be done and the kid need to be taken care of. So I trudge along, putting my best face forward, checking off the never-ending to do list while popping my HRT pills religiously and going for various treatments to inch me along in the direction I desire. I tell myself that weakness does not get me anywhere, only action does. 

If you met me in person today, you would only see a perfectly functional, middle-aged Singaporean man...which I am. But I'm barely holding it together on some days. Would be nice to win the next TOTO jackpot. I think that will help to alleviate a good number of recurring fears that I have.