Guard yourself against self-doubt
(I love comics from @theAwkwardYeti, so if you haven't heard of him, do check his blog out)
The trigger for this post was something that happened when I went for my hair transplant in Bangkok. I'll just paste the note I wrote when I was feeling incredibly emotional.
"Yesterday something happened that made me incredibly angry, sad and disappointed in myself. That when it came to making decisions that mattered, I always chose the safer option, but I ended up regretting it. This has roots in multiple similar events in the past, but the latest event was the trigger.When in consult with the hair doc, the hairline drawn was initially rounded per my earlier request, knowing my long term plans to present as a woman full time. But the doctor mentioned that this would be a strange hairline for a guy, suggesting instead for a more neutral looking one. After all, I could top up in the future when I was further along in my transition, and because adding hair to an empty spot was much easier than removing transplanted hair. After some back and forth discussions, I decided ok, her suggestion made sense. It was the safer approach so I opted for that plan. Yet something in the pit of my gut roiled after that decision. As always, I pushed it away and ignored the feeling. Logic dictates what should be the best course of action.But when the injections of local anaesthesia started, 1 by 1 by 1 into my temples, I knew I made the wrong choice. I had copped out. I selected the safe choice because I feared coming out earlier than I needed to, because I wouldn't need to explain to people and be judged. The price of "hedging" by choosing this "safer choice" was the need to spend more money in the future, another round of pain, downtime and postponing my ability to grow out my hair in a style I wanted by god knows how many years. I also needed to once again travel to Bangkok and be away from family.When I was back in my room, I sat down on the bed in exhaustion and cried. I tried not to, since I knew there was a solution, but the tears just rolled down my face uncontrollably. I felt inadequate...small...useless. Disappointed in myself for being so weak-willed, folding when the chips are stacked and shit got real. Disappointed in myself for always being scared. And I hated myself for it. I swore never to give in so easily in the future. I had ignored my gut feeling many, many times in the past and it always resulted in regret.I felt a bit better after a long night's rest. But I was still sad."
When I sent the above to my wife about it, she said it sounded like I was denying my authentic self. I think she was spot on. Deep down, I knew I wanted to transition, to have my appearance match how I felt inside. And what I did was to deny my authentic self, by my own hand. Even though there was a plan for everything, the outcome felt wrong. I felt like I was delaying my transition by another X years + 12 to 18 months (for those who don't know, the transplanted hair will fall out and will only start to regrow gradually after 4 months. So for it to get to a decent length, 12-18 months is what it takes).
If you are planning to transition, self-doubt will raise its head over and over again. "Am I trans enough? Am I ready for this? Maybe I'm not ready yet? What will other people say? Will I reach my transition goals?". It comes in your quiet moments, or in the advice of well-meaning relatives, friends and healthcare professionals (For the last group, every one of them, from the polyclinic GP, psychiatrist, endocrinologist to the hair transplant doctor showed varying degrees of doubt based on their line of questioning). It comes in the form of disgusted look from others, puzzled stares from strangers, or whispers you overhear in the pantry. It comes from thoughts of the shame and hurt that you will bring to the family. But at the very end, this is your life and the only one you will ever live. Unless there is a safety issue in coming out to the world, how long more do you want to postpone living your authentic self?
This post is a reminder not to waver; to keep my eyes on the prize. Regardless of whether it is transitioning, work, or other important things in life, there is no reason to self-censor or hold myself back, especially when the goal is clear.
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