My mental state isn't great these days
I wrote about how my mental state hasn't been the best 9 months into transition (around February this year), and keeping it healthy was a constant struggle.
Well it seems that things haven't really improved. My mental health has been in the pits. Here's one of many similar journal entries that captures the rut my mind has been stuck in almost everyday.
For most, the transition journey isn't an easy one. It's like travelleing through a pitch black tunnel that you know is around 2 - 3 years long, but feels like forever while in it. You have no idea how much longer before you get to see the light and there is significant uncertainty on whether you'll even reach the desired end state.
Seeing others successfully present female in under a year on HRT also cuts my soul repeatedly with little tiny blades. I rage at why my own journey is so slow, even though the logical mind knows that my starting point is different; I began transitioning at a later age, my hair transplant was done around the 6 month mark so growing my hair out takes a long time, facial hair removal took longer than others who were less hairy, and removal of deep icepick acne scars takes multiple cycles.
To make things worse, dissonance from needing to present the opposite of my desired gender puts a constant mental strain. It has been 14 months since I started HRT and I still present as male flawlessly. I feel nowhere near being able to present as Isabelle. In the office I work mostly with guys in their 20s to 30s, while at home I still play the roles of son (to my parents) and a father. It is no wonder that I feel so damn far away from my goals.
I am most vulnerable and susceptible to my intrusive thoughts when I'm tired. When the dark clouds come, I can feel myself becoming this insufferable ball of grump; my brows furrow often, the tempers roil just under the surface and I'm one random trigger away from lashing out. On other days I feel so physically and mentally drained from work, Daddy duties and the brainworms that I just lie down on the bed for up to an hour, hiding from it all. I've had to constantly remind myself to be patient with others, be present with those real in life (i.e. my kid and wife), and be kinder to myself instead of brutally piling on more self-guilt.
(Me at the end of the work day)
I have been able to identify some of the common triggers that causes my brain to slide into that doomspiral of bad, unhealthy thoughts:
- Seeing my reflection in the mirror
- Hearing pretty transwomen fret about their near non-existent masculine features
- Seeing other transwomen successfully living as their female selves (never mind the fact that they started years before me and went through a similar journey as I am now)
Unfortunately, I cannot avoid looking at my own reflection in the mirror on a daily basis, so this is one trigger that I have to live with and just trust the process. But reducing other sources of triggers did help me to feel less shit about myself and manage my emotions. I left a Discord server of local transwomen (though they were my friends), because their occasional bouts of fretting over "masculine" features was a massive trigger. I also stay away from Reddit r/transtimelines and other online transgender spaces, where people post their before and after photographs.
The solution is quite clear, albeit an extremely annoying one; Patience. I need to wait another year for HRT to take its effects, for electrolysis to remove my facial hair thoroughly so I no longer see the beard shadow and for my hair to grow out to a length where I can cut it in a more feminine style. Once I can see more of Isabelle in the mirror, it might just help soothe the dysphoria further. If I am still unhappy with my appearance, I could then consider facial feminisation surgery (FFS) to reduce the prominence of masculine features.
To help me manage my mental state and address my anxieties, I've also been seeing a psychologist, which has been surprisingly helpful in reframing how I viewed things, as well as pointing out a number of my blind spots.
- My anxieties had roots in childhood and adolescence, where my self-worth has been tied to external validation, compliance with conventional measures of success and what a "Good" Boy/Man/Male Singapore Citizen should be. The thought of stepping out of this box by being transgender is triggering a ton of fears and anxieties, because of my internalised shame.
- Just because I can rationalise my fears and anxieties doesn't mean that the emotions are not there. It is important to acknowledge these uncomfortable emotions, understand why I feel them, and work on being more self-compassionate instead of self-critical.
- I needed to work on separating my self-worth and from my perceived ability to pass. I am worth it and there is nothing wrong in trying to express who I am. While I fervently desire to pass, it is about wanting to feel safe (read: accepted) in society and about being in control. However, this is dependent on others. Continuing to tie the chasing of this arbitrary target to my self-worth will be detrimental to my mental health.
These actions have helped me to manage my emotional state a little bit and tide over the darker moments. Hopefully with small wins as I continue my journey, I'll eventually get to a healthier place mentally and regain confidence for Isabelle to reappear in public.
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