Not being "Trans" enough
(I still sometimes wonder if I am Transgender, based on the usual metrics)
One thing I struggled with before starting HRT was whether I was truly Transgender. Even after popping those tiny blue pills twice a day for more than a year, I still wonder if I am "Trans" enough. The self-doubt is significant, and justifiably so. Transitioning is by no means a simple undertaking, with large financial, social and possibly health costs. It is literally shooting a bazooka to your old life and what is recognised as "normal". The constant and recurring critique is the brain's way of protecting oneself from the whims of the heart.
But it isn't just about the "worth it or not?", "cost-benefit-analysis" line of thinking that I tend to go into when making big decisions. The constant thoughts of whether I was "Trans" enough also stems from having lived as a guy for 3 decades with some degree of success. While I am by no means an Alpha-male, I did successfully navigate male adolescence and adulthood without too much trouble. And I feel quite comfortable existing as a regular Singaporean working adult male, Husband and Dad. So how could I possibly be transgender? Some questions that I had considered and still do include:
- How can I be transgender if I don't hate my male genitalia?
- How can I be transgender if I enjoyed doing "guy" stuff, and was perfectly functional as a guy, including during my army days?
- How can I be transgender if I was never effeminate?
- Did I just allow my fetish of women's clothes to take over the steering wheel?
- Is wanting to transition a superficial whim?
- Do I want to transition, or is it the rose-tinted hope that I can be successful like the very small number of transgender women influencing me to also want to transition?
Apparently, such self-doubt is common among people who transition after their 30s, as they have lived through a good part of life as a guy. Even by stretching my imagination to its limits, I still struggle to think of how I was going to unlearn all the male socialisation if I were to transition socially (aka let the whole goddamn world know I am Transgender).
I found three blog posts from the same author that resonated with me greatly. With decades of living as a guy and external reinforcement of her gender as "male", the writer described that acknowledging she was transgender felt like believing a conspiracy theory about herself. Like me, she didn't fit the popular, accepted narrative of the feminine, young transitioner who was absolutely certain of their "Trans"-ness, and that continued existence as a guy will cause significant distress. To the writer, being a guy just had a lot of feelings of dissociation rather than distress. The writer also saw it necessary to describe how she realised she was transgender (her most popular post. Read it!) and write a guide to help people figure out if they transgender, which I found incredibly useful.
I've come to terms that I am transgender, although I think the self-doubts will remain until the cat is fully out of the bag. A friend shared that as I come out to people and transition socially, I will gradually figure out which parts of myself are armour that I had put on over the years and which are core. And Isabelle will slowly develop over time.
Right now however, I don't even know which parts are armour that my male self had learned to be so comfortable wearing and which parts are core. Every part of me feels core! It even feels like when I fully transition, I'd still be 99% my male self, that I'd just be pretending to be Isabelle and co-opting feminine mannerisms not because that was truly me, but because it matched my new exterior and society would be more inclined to accept me if I behaved that certain way (Jokes on me, society will always brand me as transgender, with all the associated negative labels). All this however, is conjecture based in worries for what the future holds. Only time will tell how Isabelle will be like when she has been fully let out into the world.
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