Musings of a Singaporean Transgender

Recently I had a talk with my parents about my plans for facial surgery, to come out at work, telling my kid and living as a woman full time. The conversation did not go well 😞. On the top of their list of concerns was the risk to my kid. There was fear of discriminatory comments from her friends. They worried about how she would deal with the news, that the responsibility of processing my transition, accepting and even defending my identity would be on her tiny shoulders. The risk of unintended consequences seemed too great; that I had a responsibility to preserve the conventional family structure and protect her from hurt.

Throughout the conversation, I mostly dissociated and verbalised my points logically as I stared into space, occasionally glancing at them to see the furrowed brows and eyes that reflected disapproval. I tried my best to be patient and keep calm, but at many points I lost my cool. My parents' reaction felt like a rejection of the self. I felt disappointed in their lack of support and acceptance. Why couldn't my parents acknowledge the pain I felt growing up, the depression I fought with for years, my intense need to live authentically, and understand that I too had my daughter's best interest at heart? Why did it still seem like my authentic self was a shameful secret to be hidden from the people closest to me? The perspective of YOLO, "do what you want in life", that my Dad constantly preached turned out to be conditional on fulfilment of responsibility. He struggled to understand why I couldn't just live the dual life I was doing now out of responsibility to protect my kid.

My wife later gave me a different perspective on my parents' reaction. She highlighted that they still loved and cared for me, but needed time for the coming out plans to sink in. While their reaction did not seem like acceptance, it wasn't a rejection of the self, but an expression of concerns that were valid, albeit highly over-protective. She asked me to give them time to sit with the idea of coming out and to do it step by step. I didn't like it, but it was what I needed to do. Out of care and respect for them as my parents.

The fears my parents had raised is linked to the lack of visibility of gender diversity in Singapore, lack of knowledge of transgender people and a conservative asian culture. While it's improving, progress does feel PAINFULLY slow. I remember a conversation with my dentist (who is also a parent) about exposing children to LGBTQ content. The conversation started from Disney nearly including a transgender character in one of their cartoons, but it was eventually scrapped due to pushback. She expressed uncertainty about exposing children to "woke" content at such a young age, pushed by people with transgender agenda. I told her that exposing children to diversity (body types, family types, genders, disabilities, race, religion) at a young age is good as it encourages an open mind and greater understanding of the diversity we see in human society. We didn't finish our conversation as my braces had been tightened, but she expressed curiosity in my point of view. My dentist is a nice lady, but probably too cloistered in her well-educated, higher SES Christian bubble. I wonder how she will react when I eventually tell her I'm transgender. 

Kids are amazing in their curiosity, creativity, determination, resilience and acceptance of diversity. But they can also be unfiltered in their comments, making hurtful comments without realising the impact to their peers. And because children seek out validation/acceptance from their friends, rejection or shame can hit hard (cue "You're not our friend anymore" threats). I can therefore understand my parents' fear, although my counter-argument was that:

I wonder how many in Singapore are in the same situation as me; a parent who transitioned while their children are young, but old enough to recognise the physical changes. I'm sure there are some out there, but I can count those I know on 1 hand. The amount of localised resources for  Singaporean parents who are transgender is also non-existent. Understandable, given that we are a minority within a minority.

I still want to come out to my kid as soon as possible. So there will be another blog post of how that plays out, when the reveal eventually happens.