Musings of a Singaporean Transgender

(Nope, this isn't the type of breastplate I'm talking about. But this would be pretty cool)

All of us crossdressers dream of having a pair of perfectly shaped breasts with a fantastic cleavage. But unless you have a fair bit of chest fats, take female hormones over a period of time or go for breast implants that's pretty impossible. It means something is missing when we wear plunging V-necks, outfits with sweetheart necklines...let alone bikinis or lingerie.

Enter the silicone breastplate (No photos, otherwise my blog might be flagged as NSFW. But you can easily google them yourself). These are different as compared to normal breastforms which are 2 discrete "boobs" that you stick onto your chest. A breastplate is a skin tight, skin coloured silicone shirt with two breasts attached to it. By artfully hiding the neck, arm and waist seams, it promises crossdressers fulfilment of a dream; boobs that are not just realistic looking, but have a weight and bounce just like the real thing, a convincing cleavage and a feminine looking rack. Advertising for such products have gotten really good too. Watching such videos made me really want to purchase a breastplate. But it wasn't cheap, and I heard mixed reviews from fellow sisters who have purchased silicone breastplates. I finally decided to buy a set during a moment of weakness on one of those Taobao sales events (I got mine for S$140...and the lack of quality shows. The really good quality ones can cost up to $2k USD)

I have to admit, I was buzzing with excitement upon receiving it, but after trying it on, it was an "Expectations VS Reality" moment. 

I had a few issues with it, the biggest being how damn hot it felt while wearing the breastplate. Even with the air conditioner at full blast at the lowest temperature, I could feel sweat pooling underneath the silicone breastplate. As I moved around a bit, the silicone/skin seal would sometimes break and I feel large beads of sweat flowing down. Not fun. As if wearing a wig in Singapore's humid climate wasn't warm enough, I had to wrap a quarter of my body in silicone. Perhaps in a temperate country the breastplate would make more sense.

Other issues included how tight the silicone felt on my throat, which constantly reminded me of its presence, how obvious the seams were, how stiff the boobs felt and strangely, an oily layer on the boobs despite multiple washes. Perhaps the last 2 issues were brand specific, since I had no such issues with my dresstech hippads which felt high quality (price was high quality too, at S$300),

There are good points though. The breastplate has a very nice weighty bounce when I walked around, which was different from normal breast forms. It has also allowed me to take pretty good boudoir photos (Note: good is relative. Maybe someone might think my photos are absolutely crap). With some post editing to remove the seams and blend the colour tone to match my skin, it did look like I had real breasts. I've been doing a bit more boudoir shots to get mileage out of the breastplate. 

Despite the issues I have with my purchase, after trying it on a few times I have gotten used to them and look for work arounds. Like stuffing a ball of tissue to absorb the sweat, or selecting outfits that hides the arm seams well. Looking back, I don't regret my purchase

So if you are still undecided whether to purchase a silicone breastplate or not, maybe the following points can help

You should buy a silicone breastplate if:

You should not buy a silicone breastplate if:

Ultimately, it is your money and your choice whether to purchase a silicone breastplate or not. But it isn't cheap so do your research before getting one so you don't end up with buyer's remorse. As a note of caution, Taobao breastplates seems to be one size larger, so ordering a "C" might net you a huge "D" rack instead

This is a topic that is applicable to many people, not just to crossdressers, but I'll try to link it to crossdressing.

Instagram and facebook is pretty fun in general. We use it to connect and chat with people sharing the same interests as us, we posts photos of ourselves having fun and get praises, which gives us that little hit of the happy drug doapamine when the photo gets a ton of likes or comments that we're pretty/beautiful.

However, ever since I started using social media for my female self a bit more heavily, I quickly noticed 2 big issues which makes me think twice about maintaining the social media account.

I started my open Instagram account back in Nov 2018 as a bit of an experiment, to see how many followers I could rack up and share my photos. I decided to post daily to generate activity and encourage followers. 

After about a month in, I shut my account down. 

I found that I was starting to be addicted to social media in a very unhealthy way. I spent way too much time open and closing the Instagram app to check if I had new followers, likes and comments. I started obsessing over how each new post compared with the earlier posts in terms of likes and comments. After posting a new photo, I'd start thinking about which photo to use and what caption to write for tomorrow's post. 

The addiction and obsession got a bit scary for me as I never felt it before in my guy mode. How much of my waking hours did I waste looking at social media apps and obsessing over something so superficial and vapid as comments and likes? It was so easy to do a double tap to like a post, or write a simple (and possibly) meaningless "Beautiful girl". After a while, I noticed that some followers basically commented on every post, which was akin to casting a wide net on many women, probably hoping for a reply.

Instagram wasn't the only culprit. There are so many places to while away your precious time and life, such as Facebook, Reddit, Twitter, etc. In small doses, social media is fun, but once it becomes obsessive and there are clear signs of addiction, I think it important to do a detox.

I believe that everyone has moments where we doubt ourselves and self-esteem is momentarily placed in question. Nobody is perfect. However, excessive use of social media tends to trigger unhealthy amounts of comparison with unrealistic standards, which can cause self-esteem issues.

Firstly, photos posted on social media are very curated. Only 1 out 10 photos taken make it to the Instagram feed (statistics not substantiated...but you get what I mean😜). This means no unglam photos, no accidental double chins, extra fats are hidden by a good photo angle, etc. I am guilty as charged! My social media accounts for both my guy and girl mode only show the best photos (of course my guy mode has way lower standards)

(Transgender Beauty Queen Yoshi Rinrada. Can you believe she was born male? Real girls will kill to look like this)

Secondly, we tend to follow certain accounts on social media. For crossdressers, these tend to be transgender beauty queens, beauty influencers, cosplay cuties and other prettier crossdressers in the community (as much as we hate to admit it, everyone wants to hang with the pretty and popular crowd). Seeing these beauties on a regular basis warps your sense on reality, making you think that such perfection in beauty is the norm. It simply isn't! Take a walk in the shopping mall and how many "Goddesses" do you see? Probably not as many as your Instagram feed. Yet sometimes I do the silly thing of comparing myself with someone like Yoshi Rinrada...it's almost akin to comparing myself with the Olympics Gold Medalist. The problem of comparison can be even more acute in crossdressers; after all, we are further from our ideal image, since we don't have real boobs, wide hips or other obviously female features.

Finally, images online are usually edited in some form or another, they simply aren't 100% real. Of course there are really beautiful people who don't need photo editing software, but most crossdressers have used apps to smooth out skin imperfections, sharpen the jaw, enlarge the eyes, and apply beauty filters. I do that too, just to make myself look slightly better, but it just means what you see is not the real Isabelle. With apps like "Faceapp", it is even harder to tell if an image is real or not. So comparing ourselves to images that have been edited and perfected to modern beauty standards...is kinda dumb.

After using social media a bit more heavily, I finally understand why an increasing number of 16 year old teenage girls face self-esteem issues. 

(Some days just kind of suck)

Even without venturing onto social media, I struggle with some self-esteem issues. My skin isn't the best, I'm not as confident as I should be, and I always feel like I should and could do better. But when I feel really frumpy or hopelessly imperfect, I try to recognise that I am in a rut and the only way out is to stop digging myself deeper into it.

I'm jumping back to an earlier part of my crossdressing journey to share some of the random imaginations I had, which I believe you may have had too.

The human mind is an amazing thing. It is able to conjure up all sorts of fictitious situations that allows us to go on adventures that we cannot do so in reality. Before your own imagination runs wild, no this post is not about smutty scenarios. 

I was from a partially religious family, in the sense that my mum is a really devout Christian. Since young, I was taught to believe that God is out there and he watches over us all. Every night we would sit in front of the alter and say a short prayer to give thanks and praise. I remember in my upper primary school days, I would slip in a short prayer to God for a miracle, that I could wake up the next day and be a real girl. But each day I would wake up the same, leaving me slightly disappointed but nevertheless hopeful that maybe God decided it wasn't time. Being a kid, I didn't know better and always made the same wish during other opportunities; wishing to Santa during Christmas to make me a girl since I had been a good boy, making a silent wish during my birthday just before I blew out the candles, or wishing upon a shooting star even though I could not even see any in Singapore's night sky.

Of course none of the wishes came true. As I got older, I gave up making such wishes and accepted that there was no such thing as "magic" or "miracles".

Ah superheroes and their powers. I'm not just referring to the Marvel or DC Universe, but any fiction where there are superpowered beings. Popularised by comics, books, movies, games and even Anime, everyone wished they had superpowers at some point in time.

So what superpower did I wish I had when I was younger? Looking through the full roster of X-men mutants, the superpower I wanted the most was Mystique's power of shapeshifting. Yes, Wolverine was super cool, Magneto was powerful, but the power to take on any form at will? Count me in! I imagined taking the form of famous and beautiful actresses of the time and living as them for a time, wearing dresses and living the high life.

The other power I imagined having was the ability to stop time. If I could freeze everything and everyone but me, I could freely roam about the shopping centres, trying on women's clothes without fear of people stopping me or calling me out. One of the first places I imagined going to was a bridal boutique. I would stop time just past morning when the shops are open and help myself to the buffet of wedding gowns on display. I'd secretly sneak my favourite gown home so that I could put it on anytime I wished.

Thinking back about it, it was really a silly phase of wild imagination, reflecting my inner thoughts about wanting to be a girl.