Stressed and in need to dress
Work has been extra stressful of late, with impending hard deadlines, multitude of presentations lined up and long work hours. There are days I just wonder if there is more to life than just working from Mondays to Fridays (maybe on weekends too), grinding at a job that doesn't give me much satisfaction, just to pay the bills, save for retirement and go for that occasional holiday. I suppose I am lucky not to have lost my job during this Covid-19 period, which has been challenging for many people.
Nevertheless, work stress is what it is; a source of worry that makes one work harder, but also wish for some form of reprieve or escape. Unlike schooling days, where the stress of exam ends at the end of the year, work never ends. So the stress just lingers, spiking now and then as deadlines arrive. Some thrive on it, and a bit of stress is always healthy, but too much and the cracks start to appear.
For me, work stress causes my sleep to be less restful, increased grouchiness in the day and my gender dysphoria to flare up more than usual. Feelings of wanting to let Isabelle out and the desire to be a woman rush to the surface like a wellspring. It could take the form of wishes of being a beautiful model wined and dined at fancy restaurants in elegant outfits, or a elfin-faced cosplayer dressed in pretty lolita outfits. A simple photo of a girl with a skinny waist, glorious looking cleavage, or an elegantly worn outfit could send me to fantasy land. Anything to be away from endless emails and powerpoint slides. I'm sure I'm not the only one who feels this way.
As much as letting Isabelle out is a balm to my stress, I know that it isn't the cure. My brain is turning to a known form of relief and hoping that somehow, by partaking in dressing up and unrealistic fantasies, it would solve the root problem. Such thoughts are nothing more than escapism. There is a need to manage such emotions and make an effort to address the cause of the stress, rather than to attempt to run away from it.
2 Comments
I can totally feel you Isabelle. It is like only less than 3 weeks into 2021 and I have been working non-stop on weekdays and weekends also. This year is worst as I do not get to travel to unwind and relax; so, I do not feel that the year end holiday is of much use to recharge. At times when I was surfing TaoBao during my break, whenever I saw some alluring or nice outfit, the urges to crossdress came quite strong. Hardly got the time to really enjoy CDing...
ReplyDeleteMaybe the good thing or a way to think about this is that we've got work, while many others struggle.
ReplyDeleteI've been also terribly busy, unable to get to my fem side much. It was alot more back in 2019 to 2020. sometimes I even contemplate doing something crazy like running away from home.