My struggles with Gender Dysphoria
Gender Dysphoria definitions:
Merriam webster: "a distressed state arising from conflict between a person's gender identity and the sex the person has or was identified as having at birth"
Cambridge: "the unhappy feeling that some people have when they feel that their identity (= who they are) as a man or a woman does not fit with the sex that they had, or were said to have, at birth"
Although the definitions of gender dysphoria are quite similar, I find the Cambridge definition better, as "distressed" is too severe a word to use to generalise the experiences of all who experience gender dysphoria.
Regardless of where you are on the transgender spectrum, I believe that we crossdressers struggle with gender dysphoria to varying extents. We may not detest our male body parts as strongly as some transwomen do, but there are elements of envy. It boils down to the desire to look not only female, but also beautiful. The inability to do so convincingly, regularly or reconcile reality with expectations in the mind (possibly unrealistic) manifests in feelings of unhappiness or discontent. For me, these feelings are usually non-existent or mild. But every now and then, they bubble up to the surface and burst forth like an erupting geyser. It is usually triggered when I get stressed and want to run away from reality. Stressors include:
- Work (e.g. so many deadlines, my work is stupid. Why can't I be a pretty model and earn big bucks just by looking pretty)
- Shortfalls in real life (e.g. My peers are more successful than me. Why is financial freedom so far away)
- Seeing beautiful women on the street or on social media (e.g. how is it that ALL these women look so effortlessly beautiful and I cannot be like them. Why is it that with my best efforts I only achieve a fraction of their beauty/femininity)
- Seeing other CDs who are effortlessly feminine (e.g. why are they born so feminine naturally? life is unfair...sobs)
I think that continual comparison with unrealistic beauty standards do exacerbate the feelings of inadequacies and gender dysphoria. I previously wrote about the perils of social media in destroying personal self-esteem, and it is definitely a source of immense envy and triggers of gender dysphoria.
Although I don't hate my male body, there are days when I wished my features were less manly. The squarish jaw and ever present stubble, the veiny arms that cannot be hidden except with long sleeves, the large calves, feet and hands. And the irreversibly receding hairline (this means I can never grow out my hair even if I were willing to do so in guy mode). On worse days, I have severe cleavage envy, wishing I had a pair of boobs. Or wishing I have a typical celebrity almond shaped face framed by long wavy tresses. And even female plumbing down there, so that I could truly feel like a woman.
For a brief period of time after my wife's acceptance of my crossdressing, I started wearing women's nightgowns to sleep. They were super comfy; airy and made of a lovely soft material that felt great on the skin. Wearing them also made me feel a bit more feminine. However, after a few weeks in, I stopped doing it and went back to my cotton tshirts and sweatpants. The reason? Whenever I looked into the mirror, the person looking back was a 30+ year old guy with stubble, rough skin and a flat chest in a nightgown. It felt so weird! (Kudos to my wife for not batting an eyelid whenever I walked around the house in that). I was unable to get over the mental hurdle that by stripping off the makeup, wig and padding, I'm simply not feminine enough.
(Left: What I feel I look like. Right: What I see in the mirror. Ok maybe less buff)
Some who have seen Isabelle may comment that I am relatively passable and should be content/thankful for what I have. I do not have very hairy arms/back which would be insanely difficult to dehair, or very masculine bone structures like extra wide shoulders or a giant ribcage which would make looking like the feminine ideal and blending in much more challenging. I am quite slim and not super tall, which makes passing as a woman in Singapore a lot easier. They are probably right; I'm well aware that I am not sufficiently thankful of my blessings. But it would be foolish to berate myself more than I already do. The struggles with personal inadequacies and the feeling that I will never be female enough sometimes pull me into a darker place that I would like to be.
Despite my many fantasies, I am also a realist. I recognise that I am male and will continue to be. That I am blessed in so many ways that I must be thankful for. Despite my occasional feelings of wanting to be a woman, they are but fantasies. I enjoy the priviledge of being a guy too much to give that all up. Also, that boat has long sailed for me; there is no amount of pills and surgery that can allow me to match reality with the unrealistic expectations in my mind. I also recognise that the root of my feelings of envy and inadequacies, although partly due to my desire to be female, are also due to my male self's lack of confidence and excessive comparison with successful / beautiful people on social media. The main hurdle here is mental. I need to learn to love myself more, stop measuring my self-worth against unrealistic standards. There is some wisdom in a local colloqual phrase from elders: "人比人，气死人" (read: incessant comparison with others leads to dissatisfaction and anger). I also need to take concrete step by step action to reach goals that will give me non-CD related satisfaction. (I'm sorry if this sounds a bit like self-psycho rant. Got to put it down to bring myself to reality)
Everyone's struggles with gender dysphoria is different; some a lot more painful than others. My own personal experience is but 1 example of the multitude of experiences out there. I hope that in attempting to describe how I feel, I do not over-simplify and trivialise what others in the community may feel.
1 Comments
Wow, very well written. I can totally relate to this as it describe how I feel... I have been through the stage of purging but like you mentioned, the stressors in life just got my CD self back...
ReplyDeleteFor me, the unfortunate thing is that my body build and my stupendous feet make it really hard for me to be a passable crossdresser... I tried exercising and do all sort of things to slim down but like you said, the boat is long gone as I am at the stage where metabolism is not work in my favor... I also got a broad shoulder, so it is hard to get clothing that are nice and fitting and my feet size just does not allow me to have any choice in the type of heels I can get...
I make a separation to my true self and my CD self very distinctively but I guess as we progress in lives, the stressors just pile up and I use CD as a form of escape. I do find myself looking at social media and envy other crossdressers (with you been the most passable) and how I wish I got features and build like you all... Oh well, just got to accept who I am... To be able to feel feminine is definitely a good outlet to keep the sanity and to control my emotion, it is sort of a therapy or hobby to handle that feeling of gender dysphoria.