2022 in Reflection
I cannot believe that 2022 is over. 365 days, one more complete orbit of the Earth around the sun. It's been a hectic year with ups, downs and periods of sheer drudgery. One major positive is that Covid is more or less over. There's almost no restrictions and no more trace together QR code scanning. This meant that all the pre-covid activities such as gatherings, events, conventions and overseas trips are back. However, work has managed to successfully suck out the fun in many things, even in dressing up. So strangely, despite Isabelle going out a lot more in 2022, the year just feels less epic than 2021. This is not to say that I did not have a lot of fun. Though there wasn't another wedding gown shoot or interview, Isabelle did many things in 2022. I discovered a selfie studio and indulged in my photography and selfie inclinations. I went on a number of shopping trips and successfully controlled myself from buying too many outfits. I went clubbing as a she-devil for my second ever Halloween and thoroughly enjoyed myself. I attended Anime Festival Asia (AFA) Singapore, my first Anime convention and looked pretty darn cute in a maid outfit with two pink ponytails. And I finally checked off a bucket list by attending a New Year's Eve party as Isabelle with good friends in the community, wearing a sequin dress that I believe I slayed in (yet to write the post. Will do so for another day). My perception of 2021 is definitely slightly warped, since 2022 was pretty darn eventful for Isabelle. I hope that 2023 will be better than both 2021 and 2022.
Looking forward into 2023, to keep things simple, I've listed down 2 things to avoid and 2 things to do. It isn't just about my female self (after all, Isabelle appears an average of 1% of the time), but I'll angle it appropriately.
Things to Avoid
1) Stop selling myself short
Both in work, life and as Isabelle, I feel I have been self-censoring and selling myself short. I constantly feel like an impostor, second guessing my abilities. Am I good enough? Or despite my best efforts and hard work, will people find out that I am winging it half the time? Do they whisper nasty things about me during lunch time? Perhaps, and I definitely shouldn't care. I should do what is right and do it the best I can. As Isabelle, I keep feeling that even though I've progressed in leap and bounds since I first stepped out, I'm still not good enough. My hair isn't perfect, my hands are so veiny, my foundation is too cakey, etc, and each stare from the random passer-by is always a count to being clocked, rather than admiration of my outfit, even though I spend at least 1.5 hours putting everything together. Photography wise I don't know what I am doing or how to take good photos, even though the effort that goes into my pictures are already miles more than most crossdressers out there. So in 2023, I need to avoid being too much of a realist/glass half empty person and see the best in me. I'm doing pretty well all things considered.
2) Stop comparing with others
I have a natural human tendency to compare with others more successful. Sometimes I brush it aside, other times I feel absolutely shit about it at times. It could be a peer that is way more successful financially or career wise, or the young pretty influencer enjoying luxuries in life most girls dream of. But I seem to ignore the fact that I have a comparatively good life. While comparing has pushed me to improve and work harder to achieve better, I find myself sucked into an envy spiral that leads to paralysis and all manner of unhelpful, ugly thoughts. So this is something I need to work on in 2023.
Things to Do
1) Prioritise family and friends
As I move past my mid-30s, I begin to feel that those who truly matter are a very small group. My parents who are growing older with each day, my wife who toils at work and does the heavy lifting at home, my kid who is growing so fast I suddenly that my adorable baby is now a chatty, opinionated toddler (still chubby and cute for now). My sibling and a few friends who have remained close over the years. For a time-scarce Singaporean, I must prioritise these important relationships. They are the ones who truly matter. I've admittedly neglected some of them, so in 2023, it is time to focus on this more. As for Isabelle, she has a small close group of friends whom she cherishes. While I recognise that a crossdresser's friendship can be fleeting and people may grow apart with time, may 2023 be the time to create more memories that we can look back in the future and feel warm in our hearts knowing that regardless of where we are in life 5, 10 or 20 years from now, we have enriched each other's lives when our paths crossed.
2) Live life to the fullest
Life is short, youth is fleeting. We live life within too many artificial boundaries and behave in ways we are told to behave. While some rules are important, our fears of breaking some of them hold us back from living life to the fullest. I've been having more YOLO thoughts in 2022 than I have ever had before. It's partly due to a mid-life crisis (i.e. is this all there is to life? Am I just going to do this till I retire at 68?), partly due to seeing people expire pre-maturely even before they retire, partly due to hearing people express regrets of being too afraid to do things and missing out on opportunities. So 2023 is the time to start living life to the fullest. While Isabelle isn't ready to come out to more people yet, there's more bucket list items to be checked off. Living life to the fullest also means spending more time learning, reading, exercising, doing things that brings me joy, and definitely a lot less time on social media.
Goodbye 2022, I leave you with mixed feelings. May 2023 bring greater happiness, satisfaction and new heights!
1 Comments
Hi Francesca, thank you for the supportive message, kind words and being the avid reader of my blog. Like you pointed out, it is very important to be grateful for the good things in life. There's definitely many things to be thankful for. I'm happy for you that you took the plunge to go for the photoshoot in Malacca. While fleeting, it is these experiences that are memories that we will hold dear to our hearts for years to come. 2022 seems to have been a great year for Francesca, hoping 2023 will be even better!
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