Thinking about death
I was listening to a podcast that people do not talk enough about death when they are healthy, which results in problems when a sudden unfortunate event throws everyone and everything into chaos. This triggered random and rather morbid thoughts that I've always had. If I were to meet an untimely demise tomorrow, how would Isabelle's friends know that she is no longer on this world? Would my sudden silence in group chats and social media hint to friends that something untoward has happened to me? Or would they speculate that other circumstances have made me decide to socially purge Isabelle's existence? Given my current age, the latter seems a lot more likely. But if suspicions start to grow, how would Isabelle's friends even get the closure to their speculations? (assuming they needed such a closure). Would my friends be sad that they have lost a friend in life? Or was Isabelle's existence superficial and fleeting, like footsteps on a sandy beach; easily washed away and erased with each wave. Hopefully not.
Thinking about death is a bit sad as it triggers all manner of emotions. But it is a good thought exercise to help prepare for the future. It made me wonder, how I would plan my posthumous activities.
1) What would I do with my female stuff?
If I could, rather than donating them to salvation army or selling them, I will give away all my stuff to fellow crossdressers who could put them to good use. I've accumulated quite a lot of women's clothing over the years. Counting everything that is in good condition, I have at least 40 outfits (majority are dresses), 10+ wigs of various designs, hippads and breastplates that are very usable, 5 pair of heels and a whole bunch of accessories that would make more than a few crossdressers very happy (after all, these are the items that have brought me so much happiness and joy over the years).
2) Would I take the secret to the grave?
I did consider having a final request for me to be dressed up and cremated as Isabelle in a beautiful white gown. After all, though I could not be a woman in life, I could be one in death. But that might be a bit too much for my family to take since none of them knows of the secret. It's common for the top of the casket to be open for friends and relatives to pay their final respects. Imagine the shock/horror/disgust/incredulity when they walk past and see me as my female alter ego in there. So probably not such a great idea to leave my immediate family to explain and deal with the fallout of such a shocking public revelation. And since I'm dead, I'll be unaware and unable to help explain the reasons behind my dressing, leaving my family to face and clean up the "mess". So definitely no public revelations
As for coming out to specific people in my life, it will depend on who it is. Currently, only my wife knows of my crossdressing. So in terms of family members, I have my parents, my sibling and my kid. While I could reveal it to my parents and sibling posthumously, they probably would have enough to deal with already and don't need to be saddled with this revelation. There is no need for my secret to taint the good memories that they have of their son/brother. While my dad might be able to rationalise it, my mum is very religious and will struggle to come to terms with my crossdressing. As for my sibling, I think acceptance shouldn't be an issue, but not a must to know.
I definitely want my kid to know about Isabelle at some point in the future though, when my kid is older and understands gender and its nuances. Because of how important my kid is to me, a secret as big as my female alter ego Isabelle should be shared. I want my child to know other facets of me, that would give a more complete picture of me as a father. My continuous struggle with gender dysphoria since young and the slow-blooming of Isabelle as my female alter ego has shaped the way I think and behave. It might help my kid understand my actions and behaviour when I was still alive (while I have taken great pains to hide Isabelle from my kid, small things will invariably leak out. This is an interesting article on the BBC about parents that kept the nature of the family business secret from their children). If my kid turns out LGBT in the future (never say never), knowing of Isabelle's existence might help to bring greater acceptance.
3) Will I want to reach out to Isabelle's friends?
Definitely yes. Isabelle has made a few close friends in the crossdressing community and I feel like I owe it to them to inform of my demise. This would bring closure to the sudden silence. And perhaps, similar to how I feel grateful to have them as my friends, they also would feel happy to have had Isabelle been a part of their lives. I will definitely need to rely on my wife to reach out to them via my social media accounts.
The other avenue that I want to reach out is a final farewell post through my blog, to conclude what I feel is one of the legacies I will be leaving behind. While my blog isn't widely read (given the subject nature), it is a collection of my thoughts and musings. It is a piece of me, immortalised in prose (well, that is until the Internet no longer exists or Blogger gets shut down).
4) Would I regret having not lived/experienced my female self fully?
No. Could I have done more? Definitely. But do I regret not having lived? I don't think so. Isabelle has had her time in the sun. I have done much more than I have ever thought possible when I was in my youth, checking off many items in the bucket list. Isabelle has blossomed over the past few years, and despite inching ever closer to my 40s, my continuous struggles with dysphoria and some regrets (e.g. not doing proper skin care when young), Isabelle is currently her most confident and beautiful iteration.
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