Brainworms. I only recently learned about this term. While urban dictionary defines it as "cognitively degenerating" or "going off the deep-end", the way it is used by younger generation transgender folks seems to be to have an illogical, unjustified belief that one is unpassable, despite evidence otherwise. "Brainworms" is a catchy and an easy way to describe the thoughts of self-doubt that even the most passable crossdressers and transgender have. Taken to the extreme, it might push some to go for surgery after surgery, to correct the "flaws" or masculine markers that one perceives. We regularly jest with each other that it isn't just HRT that is needed, but a thorough regime of deworming.

I've been having a bad case of passability brainworms recently. Catching a glance of my furrowed brows in the mirror, I think about my browbone being overly prominent. The toilet downlight casting an unflattering light on my face, accentuating all acne scars and my angular jaw makes me feel annoyed. In my quiet moments, I think about the genetically gifted, youthful transwomen that I will never measure up to, and I regularly worry about my ability to pass without makeup or surgery. It takes good friends to bonk me on the head and bring me back to earth again. But the cycle repeats, to the point where I already feel "paiseh" for voicing the same concerns to the same group of friends. 

I believe there are two phases to the bad case of brainworms. The first is before/during the transition phase, when there is uncertainty associated with transitioning and constant worry of how the future in 2 to 3 years time will look like. I can't speak for early transitioners, but I'm sure for those transitioning in their 30s or later, the need to tear down work/life/social structures built up over decades makes the brainworms especially numerous and wriggly. This is where I am right now, where I keep seeing an uncle in the mirror and cannot envision how the future will be; whether HRT will allow me to come closer to my appearance goals, whether growing out my hair is even possible, whether I could look decently female without a full face of makeup. 

Someone shared the photo below, which I thought was rather apt. The changes associated with transitioning such as fat distribution, electrolysis and hair growth takes time, so it is important to be patient. Even non-bodily changes such as developing a style that suits us, gender-aligned mannerisms and voice training isn't achieved in a few months.

(Please don't say "Yassss Kween" 😖)

The second phase is after transition. There are certain physical traits that do not change due to HRT, which can continue to be a source of some dysphoria. Height, size of ribcage (which results in a strong looking back), size of hands and feet, lack of hips, etc, the list goes on. While they don't create mental discomfort as regularly, society has a way of bringing typically dormant dysphoria to the fore, be it intentionally or unknowingly. There's always some random ass***e who points out that you are using the wrong toilet. Or an accidental misgendering by a stranger even though you felt extra passable that day. The reality for most transgender folks is that regardless of how "successful" one gets, there are always days where the brainworms come out to play.