My Journey (Part 2) - Teenage Years
Ah the teenage years. A time of discovery, of independence and of young love. And also a time of acne, sexual awakening and confusion. In general, I think that the onset of puberty marks the start of a really confusing time for crossdressers.
Some of the questions I had in my mind back then included:
- Why do I like to wear girl's clothes?
- Am I gay?
- Do I want to take hormones and become a girl?
- Why is life unfair? Why can't I be "normal"?
- If I tell my parents, will they disown me?
- Was I going to be like one of those Thai ladyboys (derogatory...sorry!) I hear about?
It didn't help that when I was a teenager, dial up modems were a thing, google didn't exist and people found information primarily from libraries or their parents / elders.
So how on earth was a fledgling crossdresser like me to find answers to the gnawing questions that I had? I tried searching for books on crossdressing or transgenderism in the library, but didn't find any. And the internet searches lead to a few obscure sites about successful transgenders, history of transvestism, or transgender erotica (Avenue Q was right. The Internet is for Porn).
Television was poor sources of information too. Jack Neo and his crossdressing act as 梁细妹 or 梁婆婆, Jacky Chan as Chun-Li or some characters in a stephen chow movie were caricatures of crossdressers. It was slapstick comedy and these actors were dressed for effect.
Manga and Anime were surprising sources of exposure to characters who crossdressed. I remember watching this police anime called "You're under arrest!", and the prettiest, friendliest, most ladylike cop Aoi Futaba was a guy. Such characters were accepted which gave a bit of hope, but it is what it is; fiction.
Most boys wanted to be cool characters like Ruroni Kenshin of Samurai X. I wanted to be the pretty female lead in the Kimono/Seifuku/OL outfit.
It was hard not to feel alone in the world.
The lack of good quality information didn't help. But I managed by compartmentalising my boy and girl self. All things considered, I was fortunate; I had a loving family, my own room (i.e. some privacy), life wasn't in shambles. As long as I toed the line, continued to act like an adolescent boy, all would be fine. It wasn't incredibly hard as my gender dysphoria wasn't the most full blown. I embraced sports and computer games just like other teenagers my age would. As I was quite a geeky boy, I didn't really date much in my secondary school years (sad...i know). But I guess that simplified things for me.
I think millenial crossdressers do get it better, given the wealth of information out there. Which might be why I observe CDs dressing up in public at a younger and younger age.
1 Comments
Hi hi, I am a married Chinese closet crossdresser too. Glad to see a fellow sister blog :-) You look pretty
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