I don't remember when exactly it began, but sometime around the age of 10, I felt inexplicably drawn to girls clothes. This manifested in longing thoughts of wanting to wear a skirt to school, or silly acts like stuffing both legs into a single sweat pant leg hole to pretend it was a pencil skirt.

(The cartoon captures the feeling spot on. I wish I knew who drew it so I could credit the artist)

In upper primary, feelings of gender dysphoria became a bit stronger. We had racial harmony day in school every year, so a lot of the girls were dressed in their pretty and brightly coloured satin qipao (旗袍), my sister included. I still remember tremendous feelings of envy. Why do they get to wear such pretty clothes?! I wanted to go to school wearing one too! But I knew it was impossible, since I was male. Society and my family have told me that it was wrong.

When the opportunity came, I snuck into my sister's room to try hers on. The qipao was the sort with multiple clasps (instead of a back zipper), and my hands trembled with a heady mix of excitement and fear of being discovered. Unfortunately I was larger in size and wasn't able to fit in the qipao, but feeling the satin against my skin momentarily made me a very happy girl.

Another poignant memory was secondary school selection. All Singaporeans children aged 12 will go through the Primary School Leaving Exam (PSLE). Each secondary school had a minimum entry score and qualifying to enter was dependant on your PSLE score (out of 300). Back in the day, you had to select (up to 6) secondary schools you wanted to go to and rank them from your first to sixth choice. A booklet with all the options were given to everyone. 

I remember flipping through the book in my room and letting my imagination run wild. I'd scheme to secretly submit only all-girls school for all my 6 choices. The school would have no choice but to accept me, and I'd be forced (not unwillingly) to attend an all-girls school and wear a skirt to class. Was Singapore Chinese Girls School (SCGS) the one for me? After all, the pretty ones all seemed to choose there. Or was I a brainy girl, who could enter Raffles Girls School (RGS)? Or maybe I'd choose one of the schools with pretty pinafores.

It was a silly mental exercise, but wanting to be a girl did occasionally border on obsession. Alas, it was all fantasy and I stuck to the script, out of fear of the repercussions, and the knowledge that it wouldn't happen in reality.